Iruka at Hogwarts
by KT-chan88
Summary: Iruka was a sensible man, really. Ok, so jumping into a swirling vortex to save Naruto was not really a work of a sensible man. It seemed like a good idea at the time... NO SLASH
1. Prologue

**You know, among all the Harry Potter crossovers that appear with Naruto's world, I have not actually seen one where Iruka plays any role in it beyond concern nth party to Naruto's general health. So, this fic is to fix that slight. Enjoy, my dears. Mwahaha**

**This is going to be an experimental fic, so it'd probably be semi-crackish. Therefore, brace yourselves dear readers.**

Umino Iruka had always prided himself for being a sensible man. One had to be in order to keep a cool head among very young children training to be killers. It was especially important when it came to pre-empting what those nasty little vermin had planned in order to stop them in their tracks before someone gets too injured or die.

Therefore, when a sudden surge of energy engulfed Naruto, and started to sort of suck him into the vortex like a summoning contract thing, Iruka was understandably upset. Being the only ninja within a hundred feet radius capable of dealing with summoning technique (he had a contract with flying squirrels, useful little critters those); he did what he thought was the sensible thing at that time.

He leaped into the vortex in an attempt to grab Naruto out of it.

In hindsight, it was probably not such a good idea. A man who was capable of admitting his own mistake goes far, according to the Sandaime, and Iruka was a good study of Sandaime's work, so he was quite prepared to admit his less than sensible decision.

In the far bits of his mind, he knew what was inside Naruto. He was also peripherically aware that there would be some very nasty and ambitious people who were prepared to do all kinds of terrible things to harness that kind of power. He just didn't expect it to be so _soon_, as in _now_, right in front of Ichiraku's ramen stand. He had been treating Naruto to his thirteenth bowl when the glowing vortex thing happened, and now they were stuck in some enclosed area with flagstone floors covered with strange seal writings. He had never seen the any of the seals that covered the floors before, which worried him a bit. He may not be a master in the Sealing Art, but Iruka had spent many days as a mischievous little shit, as his genin sensei lovingly called him, studying the best ways to utilize them in his pranks. It had all stopped when he became a teacher at the Academy. There was simply no time to pursue his little hobby beyond the occasional tweaking of the random explosive tag. Or the colour changing tag, now that had been some cool innovations if he could say so himself-

Ahem, back to the matter at hand.

While some may scoff that of course a school teacher like him would not recognize most seal writings, Iruka would like to correct that guy by drafting a modified shock tag on his pants, right after he powdered them with ground fish bones and set some hungry cats loose. He might not have recognised these seals but what he did recognise was the sense of Doom that befell them. Bad people wishing for unhealthy things on their bodies' kind of Doom. The flagstone floor was a helpful clue. Apparently, Naruto recognise that Doom as well, his orange clad student kept still under him, tensed for action. Waiting for a direct order from him, ceded to his authority as a teacher and a superior. Iruka hoped that trust was not misplaced.

Faint flickering light surrounded them, the kind that suggested lighted torches or candles. Evil summoning atmosphere checked. Something moved in the darkness beyond the edge of seal, Iruka continued not to move. He had five kunais; two rolls of ninja wire and a new pack of shuriken all within easy reach. After that incident with Mizuki, he had started to arm himself with something more than a single kunai, bandages and anti-sceptic creams.

It seemed being prepared paid off, though he wondered if it was enough to get them out of this summoning vortex mess. A foot step into his line of sight; it was a boot with dark robes brushing the tops of it. The highly polished black leather looked really expensive. Sounds of other footsteps closed in, Iruka kept his hand light on Naruto's bicep. Not yet.

A voice barked harshly across the room. Iruka didn't recognise the words, but he knew anger and impatience when he heard it. Something had gone wrong with the summoning. Then, his instincts screamed for him to move, so he did. Heaving to his feet, a blast of red light missed him by centimetres, creating a crater at his feet.

"Naruto! Kage Bunshin!" he yelled, throwing the boy to the air.

A rain of Naruto fell on the enemies. Some henged into his form, others popping from different coloured light blasting from all sides. He darted to the closest one, flung a shuriken to the source of light, a stick, snapping the weapon in two. There was a fizzle and a howl of frustration. Iruka didn't stop his momentum; he crashed his elbow low in the gut, and bashed the masked face using all the force behind his powerful upper body mass. The man toppled and fell like a civilian.

He ducked to the left by instinct, a shuriken left his hand in deadly accuracy for the vulnerable area just under the mask. Blood spurt from the stabbed throat. Taking his cue, Naruto charged the enemy bodily. None of the enemies were fast enough or strong enough to withstand his meagre taijutsu. That was, until they started to use the shunsin, or a variation of it, catching the boy by surprise with a red light. Fortunately, the clones caught the worst of it, but Iruka was not prepared to risk waiting around to see what else they could do. Hoping the language barrier extended to the other side he shouted.

"Let's get out, cover our retreat!"

"But, sensei, we're winning!" shouted one clone just before it was blasted to smoke.

"Let's go, now!" Iruka thundered.

More clones popped into existence, a hand slipped into his, and Iruka grasped it hard enough to hurt, making sure it was the real one. A grunt answered him.

"Come on," he said in a low voice, "Up the walls,"

Under the havoc of the exploding clones, they ran from lights, leaving the summoners to fight among Naruto's clones into the dubious safety of the shadows. He had no plans beyond getting out of the fighting range. The goal was to find the wall first, from there to track down a doorway of sort, and hopefully find a way outside to determine their current position.

That was the plan at least, until the wall under their feet blasted inwards.


	2. Chapter 1

Iruka woke up to the sight of a large beaked creature peering into his face. He shrieked, jumped out of bed and dashed up the wall before his eyes mocked him by revealing that the 'beaked creature' was actually a man. A very pale man with a rather poisonous air about him, the 'beak' was actually a rather impressive nose. The man wore a very nasty scowl on his face. Iruka had to suppress an instinctive urge to do or say something inappropriate. Baiting mean authoritative figures had been a hobby of his when he was younger. Somehow, he didn't think now was the best time to give in to the impulse.

For a moment, they both stare/glare at each other. Then, the door slammed open.

"Iruukaa-Senseeeiiii!" A shrill voice thrilled.

Iruka blinked, "Naruto?"

"Sensei!" Naruto ducked under some grasping hands. His small form darting to the wall Iruka was crouching against.

Iruka quickly hopped down, not really crazy about experiencing one of Naruto's tackle/hug against gravity.

"Eeeh? What happen to your hair? And why are you in dress? Did they put you in a dress, sensei? There are some really, really old people here, older than the Old Man and probably older than rocks! They tried to put me into a dress too but I escaped!" he beamed proudly, showing off his own boxer clad self.

It was then Iruka noticed his current 'dress' state. Someone had removed his chuunin uniform and vest, along with all his weapons, scrolls, bandages and hair tie. He ran a hand through his loose hair, scowling at the way it obscure his vision.

"Excuse me," a smiling old man with a ridiculous amount of facial hair wondered up to them. Iruka wondered if the man ever tripped over his own beard.

"Uwaah! It speaks!" Naruto screeched, pointing rudely at the old man.

Iruka reflexively whapped him on the head, "Show some respect, Naruto," he bowed to the person, "Sorry for his rudeness, but we are a bit stressed at the moment, we would like to find out a few things,"

"Of course, of course," the old man smiled indulgently, "My apologies for the late introduction, I am Albus Dumbledore, the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This is Professor Snape, our potions master and I believe you've already met Madam Pomfrey," he twinkled at Naruto and a pinched face woman who glared accusatively at Iruka, "The nurse of this hospital wing."

"I see, well, my name is Iruka, also a school teacher," he placed a hand on Naruto's shoulder to stall any form of Hokage announcements, "and this is my student, Naruto,"

The sour looking man, Snape muttered something to the woman who frowned, and said something stiffly to Dumbledore. The old man nodded and smiled at them, "I believe my staff would like to know what kind of teacher carries weaponries on their person."

The sour looking man moved like a fighter, but the others telegraph their movement like civilians, Iruka may not know who these people are, but civilians are often disapproving of the type of knowledge taught in ninja schools. So he kept his face pleasant and mild.

"One who cares for the safety of their students, Headmaster Dumbledore,"

Play up to their similarities, don't give them a reason to hate or suspect. Iruka smiled and projected harmlessness, ordinary chuunin teacher here, with a delinquent student. Nothing to see, so please move on.

The twinkly eyes almost sparkle with glee, "I see, it is rare to see such dedication. Perhaps you could tell us more about your school?"

Visions of students throwing knives at a target, doing chakra exercises, practicing their hand seals-

"STOP!" Iruka dashed backward, Naruto fall limp under his pull, all the better for Iruka to hold on to him. Iruka swept his other hand out, catching a tall vase. A shower of water and glass halted in front of the old man, captured in an invisible shield.

All three had their sticks out, both Iruka and Naruto continued to move backward, having noted the wide windows showing sunlit skies and green forests. If they could just make it out…

The man, Snape, whipped his stick; Iruka dashed one of the bed partitions in the way of a sizzling blue light.

"Naruto!"

"Kage bunshin no jutsu!"

Several clones popped into existence, charging the three people. A quick shout and a fizzle burst several of them, but the resulting chakra smoke made it almost impossible to see. Iruka went through his own hand seals, a bunshin Naruto and Iruka appeared, with a nod, they headed for the doors. Civilians geared towards doors and stairways as naturally as ninja does towards windows and roofs. With a final glanced back at the disappearing bushin, Iruka leapt after Naruto out the window.

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The forest was densely covered, offering a good amount of shelter. The 'dress' he had on was well insulated, but Iruka was more concerned about Naruto's nearly naked form. They had been in the forest for about two weeks now. Thankfully, food was not a problem; the forest was a treasure trove of animal and plant life. He shared the cloth of the dress, making a shirt out of the shortened hem; he could line it with rabbit fur later, if it gets colder, if he had to. The trees surrounding them indicated a four season type of weather.

Neither blinked at the sight of giant spiders trooping out of the under brushes, those were common enough in the Forest of Death that Iruka was not overly concerned. He had to prevent Naruto from dropping a rock on the trooping spiders 'just to see what happened'. Fortunately, Iruka had his vast experience as a pre-genin sensei to draw on. Having looked after twenty pre-genin at once did wonders for one's situational awareness. Iruka just managed to flick a small pebble, knocking the falling rock out of course and into some bushes. The look on Iruka's face clearly said, "Do that again and I'll drop you into the spider's nest myself'. Naruto had the grace to look sheepish.

Five days ago they had encountered some half man, half horse thing that tried to shoot them out of the trees with arrows, now that's something not native to Konoha, observed Iruka. He tried not to think about the future too much. Concentrating on day to day survival was easy enough. Shinobi were taught to survive in any kind of environment after all, and with the abundance of food and nice weather, this was practically vacation for them. Iruka was more worried about the seal that brought them to this place. This strange world of half and half things and mind invading old men was not native to any part of the Five Countries. The looming castle structure was too distinctive not be remarked on the maps.

They had covertly explored the little huddle of houses squatting at the other end of the forest, and found shops selling things not found in their world. The papers he'd scrounged up from sidewalks and bins contained odd looking words and more remarkably, moving photographs. Those had thrilled and enchanted Naruto even as Iruka's heart sank. It made him doubted his hasty retreat from the castle. Perhaps he should have paused to listen to the old man? Or at least, perhaps he should have projected an air of calm and naivety to gain access to whatever knowledge they might have on the seals that brought them here. Iruka brooded with what-ifs for a while, some ninja he was, unable to keep his head clear for pre-emptive thoughts.

He wondered darkly what Kakashi the Wonder Ninja would have done in his place. Probably whip out a porn book and pretend not to be bothered by the dimension wide transplant, thought Iruka gloomily. He really didn't like that super elite ninja man. Too bad Dumbledore had chosen that particular day to try and negotiate with the Strangers in the Trees, as the centaurs dubbed them. Iruka was in a foul mood. When the old man tried to mind read him again in the middle of a negotiation, he signalled for Naruto to activate a specially designed trap. That was the end of any visits from the castle.

Until now that was.

It was the sour looking man, Iruka noted, good, if it had been the mind reading old man again, he would have done something drastic. Sic Naruto on him or something. He waved Naruto back, the boy was eager for action, but Iruka was the better negotiator. Relatively speaking. He tried not to think about how he had messed up the first two encounter with that mind reading old man. Hidden clones surrounded the forested area ready to burst in at the slightest signal from Iruka. He dropped into the clearing before the man, palms up to show no weapons. Not that he needed one, they both knew that.

"Where's the boy?" the man's smooth voice was thick with accent, but the words clear enough.

"He's around," said Iruka casually, "What do you want?"

"Straight to the point, I see," Snape sneered; black eyes flickered to his bare feet, "Do you fancy yourself a woodland creature?"

"Why have you come?"

"To speak with you, none of the others were fluent enough in your language,"

"Well," Iruka idly scratched his ankle with a big toe, "You aren't so hot at it yourself,"

"The headmaster is more fluent than me, however you've made it clear you wouldn't speak with him."

Iruka grinned, the tree sap had been a pain to harvest, that coupled with two dead rabbits and a huge ball of spider web Naruto had stumbled into three days after their foray into the forest had yielded spectacular results. Actually, he _had_ planned to go along with the next negotiator back to the castle. Iruka didn't really want to live in the forest forever, interesting though it was. Staying in the forest was never really an option. They needed to find a way back and the best source of information was locked up within a language barrier and a wall of stone.

"The man still goes into a mild spasm whenever he brushes by a spider web," there was a suspicious twitch on the dour looking mouth.

Iruka grinned back, "Well, that'll teach him not to simply pry into other people's mind,"

That earned him a strange look.

"What?"

"Are you an occlumens?"

"A- what?"

"Have the ability to block mind readers,"

"Hmm… wouldn't you like to know," actually, Iruka had no special mind defence skill. However, he does know what it felt like to have his mind broke into. After that incident with Mizuki, some clan leaders had not been satisfied with Naruto's innocence. Iruka had volunteered his mind to Inoichi's inspection, to see for himself what had actually happened. So, yeah, he knows what it's like to be mind raped thank you very much.

Snape looked a little intrigued, but cautious as well, he had no wish to end up like the headmaster, however open and Hufflepuffish the expression, the man before him had proved that he could kill. The Order of Phoenix aurors had recovered some oddly shaped weapons from the throat of a Carrow, wearing a Death Eater mask at the site of some summoning circle. Fudge would have some trouble explaining that.

The Oriental language was one of the several that Severus could speak relatively fluently due to some heavy text translating work he had had to do in his youth. Some items could only be bought in its native country, and knowledge of the language almost always guarantees a discount. So, Severus had learned, and kept the memory of it in the recesses of his mind. It never occur to him that one day he'd use this obscure language to negotiate with a mild manner known killer down from a tree, who walks barefoot in the forest like a pixie and dressed in robes cut off at mid thigh.

"Do you know why you are here?"

Mild brown eyes sharpened, "No, I do not, my student and I were having lunch together, when some kind of light appear and swallow us both,"

He was hiding something, thought Snape, "Shall I tell you then? I saw the circle on the floor," he was taking a chance here, revealing information, "they were preparing a ceremony for a demon summoning," there was no change in the body language and expression, that itself was telling, "What do you make of that?"

The man was hiding something, thought Iruka, so this was how they would play, information for information. To see who was more adept at sifting through the lies and grasped the truth, he shook his head, "I do not know any demon in my village," that was the truth, he knew _of _the demon inside Naruto; "Perhaps they made a mistake? Summoning is a complicated subject, not something taught at school,"

"Not even your type of school?"

A challenge, Iruka acknowledged, "Summoning contract is a jealously guarded secret, I'm afraid even I knew very little of it," true, he knew only one, the flying squirrel contract. "Tell me, what kind of knowledge does your school impart? A poison maker like you must have some interesting tales,"

The air around the man grew dangerous, "Do be careful how you speak, Mr. Iruka," his voice low and silk like, "Some might misinterpret your words for what they are,"

"I'm sorry, I don't mean disrespect," the words were humble, but Iruka's body language were rigid, "Poison makers are much respected and valuable people to my village, and are accorded a great deal of honour for their art,"

That stumped Snape a little. He had been valued for his skill of course and his… 'contributions' were always needed, by both sides of the war. But this was the first time his skill had been called an art by someone outside likeminded potion masters. The respect was real, not came begrudgingly from the goodies-goodies of the Order, nor coloured with sly enviousness from those who came from the shadow of the snake. This was respect for actual art, as such garnered by artists and sculpt makers.

"You come from an odd society, Mr. Iruka," he said at last.

"Please, just Iruka will do," he smiled, and called up, "You can come down now Naruto,"

A rustle, then an army of Naruto descended and Severus saw what had happened to the rest of Iruka's robes. The blonde child could not be more than ten or eleven, a tiny child even by Asian standards. The rest of the blonde kids glared at him even as one ran to the teacher. Severus kept his hands visible. For a village that allowed its teachers and children to carry weapons and to treat poison makers with respect, had to be a place which prized knowledge for its combative usefulness rather than academic purpose.

"How does he do that?" Severus could not contain his curiosity any longer, "the doubles I mean. I can possibly create the same effect using a doppelganger potion, but only two,"

Iruka smiled, ruffling the blonde head, causing the plump whiskered cheeks to puff up, "Naruto's special that way, even I can't pull off more than five, on a good day,"

It was a warning; we were more than what we appear.

Severus inclined his head in acknowledgement, "You will be staying with me at my quarters, the headmaster wishes to speak with you, later of course," he added to stall any objections, "You are not quite my height, but robes can be easily altered," he eyed the frayed edges of the torn up hem.

A faint blush clung to the tanned cheeks, "Ah well, Naruto left without much, so we had to do a bit of adjustment,"

"Fair enough," he turned with a swirl of robes, "Come with me," he strode fearlessly through the little blondes, noting the shoeless feet, the healthy flush of cheeks and wary eye. The child was no stranger to hard living.

After a while, a series of pops was heard, Iruka appeared beside him, stepping easily on the wooded floor, while the child darted monkey like in the trees. They made it out of the forest in good time, Severus was thankful that Iruka was not prone to small talk. Once they past the trees, the boy dropped beside them with a wild grace.

As they walked across milder lawns and grassy area, the boy, Naruto bounced around energetically, whipping his head about, large blue eyes taking in sights which he did not have the pleasure of looking while running away. Severus could feel a headache coming up. He hated bouncy, energetic children.

As if in response to his thoughts, the blonde boy spoke up, "Hey, hey, mister, who are you?"

Severus scowled darkly, but the boy was undaunted.

Iruka chuckled softly, "Naruto, it's rude to ask for someone's name without giving your own first,"

"Right! I'm Uzumaki Naruto! My favourite colour is orange and my favourite food is ramen! I like miso ramen best, especially Ichiraku ramen, ramen is even better when Iruka-sensei pays for it. I don't like Sasuke-teme and Sakura-chan is the prettiest girl in the village! Why just the other day I saw her with a new haircut, and it was awesome and-"

Severus actually paused and stared at the blonde kid, his jaw slowly dropping open at the influx of happiness. Standing three feet away, Iruka tilted his head back and laughed.


	3. Chapter 2

Dressed in dark dresses, er robes, Iruka watched indulgently as Naruto rushed around the shops, looking into windows, gaping at all sorts of interesting sights. Iruka wished he could do the same, there were flying brooms, and walking teacups, smoking books and talking pictures, all worthy of a gape or two. Unfortunately he couldn't do so without looking like a 'muggle' or the village idiot. Never mind that the collective IQ of most 'wizards' and 'witches' he'd met were little better than soft pudding. There was no concept of looking underneath the underneath; and a lot of trust was placed on something called the Prophet.

He couldn't read the strange foreign words very well yet, only able to pick out a line or two out of a whole sentence at best. He was doing better than expected though, with the help of some translation spells. But neither he nor Severus dared to use the spell too much ever since that disastrous time when Iruka and Naruto found themselves speaking in odd, horribly scrambled English. In addition to offending his own teacher sense, Iruka had ended up calling Naruto Sliced-Fishcake-With-Pink-Swirl-On-Ramen for days.

As revenge, Iruka had Naruto follow Severus around, chattering away in bad grammar English, offending _his_ teacher sense. Thankfully, Naruto was a quick study when he wanted to be, Iruka had impressed upon him that the only way to return home was to study the 'seal magic' of this world, and the only way to do this is to first learn the language, and then the magic. So the boy had talked, and talked and talked and talked his way through most of the people, moving portraits, giant man, giant squid and various animals and plants in the castle.

They both made special effort to avoid the headmaster and the school nurse. Something that seemed to amuse the old man, and offend the rest of the castle staffs. There was a bitter old caretaker called Filch in the castle, who shook his fist at Naruto. Iruka was concerned how Naruto felt about that, but he needn't have bothered. The one time they had a conversation about that old man, Naruto was surprisingly mature.

"He's mean to everyone, so that's okay, that's how he say hello!" and rushed off to play a prank on the man.

The trip to Diagon Alley was a rare treat outside the castle; they mostly slogged under the sun next to the squid infested pond. A chance Kage Bunshin popping while nagging Severus for sweets helped them discover the special learning aspect of the jutsu. Since then, Iruka spent his days by the pond surrounded by little blonde Narutos either scowling unhappily at their books or chattering with each other in broken English.

"Iruka-sensei, look! Look!" Naruto appeared out of the crowd, smiling and tugging eagerly at his wrists.

Severus snorted, muttering something ugly under his breath about noisy little brats. Iruka smiled indulgently at both of them, allowing Naruto to pull him across the cobbled roads. They stopped before a pet shop, obvious by the amount of screeching, barking, yowling and customers leaving with cats, dogs and other… things in their arms. Well, it's either a pet shop or a shop that sells really fresh potions ingredients.

"The Magical Menagerie," Iruka swore he could see sarcasm dripping off the words, "How… typical,"

Wow, that significant pause.

"Can we look, Iruka-sensei? We don't have to get anything," despite his childish acts, Naruto was well aware of their financial state. None of them carried usable money on them through the unexpected vortex thing and what money given to them that day was allotted for Naruto's education. A wand, potions ingredients, and other assorted items that could not be gotten second-hand from the school's poor student fund.

Iruka ruffled the blonde hair, there's no shame being poor, "Alright, just a look then," he looked up at the severe man, "You don't have to follow us all around you know, I'm sure you have something more pressing to do,"

Black eyes glared, "I am to escort you and Mr. Uzumaki,"

"Fine, fine," Iruka flapped a placating hand at him, smirked and followed Naruto to the Menagerie.

The noise was even louder inside, made worse by the shrieks of children screeching over animals or crying when parents refused to buy them a certain poisonous bullfrog or something. There were regular cats and dogs, some snakes and birds of all kinds. Owls were particularly predominant, due to their mailing ability. There were also some rather interesting creatures, a jewel encrusted tortoise for example, a winged monkey and fire breathing lizards. Naruto rushed from one cage to another, gasping in awe or making faces at the animal within.

It took some time for him to grow tired, but in the end, Iruka still had to bodily haul the boy out, where the boy immediately went for a broomstick display shop.

"Is he always this energetic?" came the sardonic remark.

"Oh no," Iruka smiled, and waited a beat, "He used to be worse," he watched with satisfaction as the tall wizard did a full body shudder.

"IRUKA-SENSEI! LOOK!"

Severus eye did a weird tick thing.

"Duty calls," said Iruka serenely and whisped past him in a quiet swish of robes, as comfortable as though he had been wearing them since birth.

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That man cannot be entire sane, Severus observed with mild awe, the whiskered brat is 10 times worse than the Weasley twins, twice as bad as Potter in getting into trouble. What's worst, the brat had absolutely no fear, at all. Severus had had to stop the boy from conducting all sorts of fatal experiments with his potions, watch him fall from moving stairs (The boy had to be the clumsiest idiot ever! He made Longbottom look graceful) bit into dubious looking 'food'. He cannot be intimidated, stared down, threatened or even shouted into obedience.

Once,_ once_ during a time when his senses had taken leave of his head, he had presented a small packet of the muggle ramen the boy rambled on and on about, he had bought the thing when shopping for some shampoo and yes! He does wash his hair damn it! The little imp had attacked him with a loud scream, which Umino had sworn was a cry of unbridled joy. His one act of kindness for the decade came back to bite him in the arse almost immediately. The boy would _not leave him alone_! Short of throwing a packet of ramen to the distance for him to run after… also, because of his doppelganger ability, Severus now have a blonde shadow trailing him absolutely _everywhere_, claiming 'Professor-Snape-Sensei-Sama-Sugoi'!

Severus felt his left eyebrow twitched at the memory. Just last week the boy had run screaming out of the forest, a horde of super large spiders on his tail, clicking and squealing in anger. The boy had screamed, made a bunch of clones, screamed some more and proceed to beat the spiders with rocks, fists and feet. He managed to drive off five, killed two and earned the wrath and fear of the rest. The boy was later scolded by the Umino in front of the headmaster for running off unsupervised; Severus observed that Umino seemed more concerned about the none supervision rather than any danger the boy may encounter. In contrast, Madam Pomfrey was closed to hysterical when she heard of the incident, but the boy bore no scars from his little adventure, and seemed to fear her mothering more than the attacking spiders.

The boy was now bouncing in front of the latest broom, some variation of the Firebolt. Umino had once expressed disapproval about the wizarding society's obsession with brooms and quidditch, maintaining that where _he_ came from, brooms were used to sweep floors. Therefore, it was a little gratifying to see the blonde brat annoy his teacher by going on and on about the wonders of flying broomsticks.

"Will you teach me sensei? Huh? Huh?" he skipped around the teacher, waving his arms in a ridiculous manner.

Iruka made a face, "I can't fly brooms either, Naruto,"

Naruto seemed to wilt, "Aww,"

The Smile appeared again, "Why don't you ask Severus-sensei? I'm sure he knows how…"

"YES!" small fists grasped Severus' robes, "TEACH ME!"

Iruka smiled indulgently, "Such dedication," he directed a mildly evil grin at Severus "Isn't it lovely when students are fired up about learning?"

Severus gave the man a powerful glare, it bounced off him impotently; "Go away," he told the inhumanly happy creature.

Blue eyes wobbled, Severus hissed and backed away from the sheer cuteness, "Leave me be,"

The little lips trembled.

"We-we should see Ollivander now, we have to get your wand…" Severus darted his eyes around furiously for an escape, the horror…

Luckily the thought of getting a wand took the boy's mind off about flying, with a happy cheer, he skipped into the crowds. Severus smoothed his robes where sticky little fists had grabbed them. Ten minutes later, an embarrass Naruto darted back into view, realising that he didn't know where the wandmaker's shop is.

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The trip to Ollivander's had been, enlightening, Severus supposed. Both teacher and student held themselves well, unflinchingly down to earth about their penniless state. They had been sucked into a vortex without preparation or gold after all. Practical about it too, when they found out the money from Hogwarts was only enough for a single wand, Umino was adamant about Naruto having one for his impending education at Hogwarts, while his student maintained that his teacher should have it, being more responsible and better at learning 'all this magic junk'.

Severus had finally solved the problem by slamming more gold on the countertop, and a blithe 'You can pay me later' to stave off the impending headache from the escalating argument. Both student and teacher had watched him with wobbly eyes. Luckily, only one tackled him into a hug, much to Ollivander's amusement.

Which brought him to the present situation.

"Wingardium Leviosa!"

Nothing happen.

"Wingardium LevioSA!" more wand shaking, "Ne, Sensei, I think the stick is broken,"

A frowned, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, nothing happened,"

"Hmm,"

"Senseeeiii"

"Hush for a bit," he picked up his own wand, "Wingardium Leviosa,"

More nothing happened.

"See!" whiskered cheeks puffed up in indignation, "I bet the old man rip us off, let's go beat him up!"

That earned him a whap on the head.

"Owie…"

"Let's look for Severus, I'm sure there's something we're doing wrong…"

000000

"Nani! We have to learn another language!" Naruto screamed.

Portraits fled at the voice, although some brave (foolish?) figures rushed to the hillside landscapes to hide behind and eves drop on the impending explosion. Even Iruka's impeccable smile seemed to slip at that, something Severus took a perverse delight in.

"Not really, just the magical words, most magic uses Latin words, so the pronunciation is critical to its success,"

"Then how are we suppose to know how to say it if we don't learn it in the first place!" Iruka shrieked, infamous temper finally showing, he grabbed Severus by the collar shaking him, never mind the man was a whole head and shoulders taller, "Your stupid country and your stupid spells with your stupid complicated incomprehensible language!"

"Er… Iruka sensei…"

Iruka was cursing in his own language now, still screaming into Severus' face. The other staff members, Minerva McGonagall and the Headmaster rushed in just in time to see the spectacle of the nice, shy young man with beautifully expressive brown eyes now throttling their potions teacher.

McGonagall was horrified, "Mr. Umino, put Severus down at once!"

There was a pause, where Severus felt his head sag from the excessive shaking. There was an embarrassed coughed, and he felt his feet touched the ground. Hands that had been shaking him attempted to straighten his robes.

Iruka coughed again, "Ahem, sorry about that, the past week had been rather, frustrating," he bowed, "Sorry again, ah, a bit stressed," and then he wondered off in a daze, a strange confused look on his face.

Naruto darted after him, bowing once to the other teachers, "Sorry,"

McGonagall approached the potions master cautiously, "A-are you all right, Severus?"

"Are you injured?" Albus was similarly concerned; the two foreigners had expressed their displeasure for him quite plainly. Not that he was terribly concern about it; one cannot win them all after all. It also warmed his heart to see Severus growing close to people other than himself. Although, if it proves to be a hazard to his health…

"I'm fine," Severus patted his robes where the mild mannered teacher had grabbed in a fit, "Just a little… shaken,"

Minerva snorted, "That, is a very bad pun," she rolled her eyes, "If you are well enough to make jokes, I believe no permanent injury had been done to you," the arched look than left her expression and she patted his arm, "Do take care of yourself, Severus, potions masters are rather rare, you know,"

"I'll be fine," he nodded to where the teacher and student duo had left, "There's a temper in that one, but it burns out quickly."

"Be as it may, Iruka does make a good point," mused Dumbledore, "I wonder why we never thought of it, most students don't practice Latin as a rule, it would be good for them to be exposed to it,"

"We have two weeks till the term starts, there isn't time for any drastic changes to the schedule," pointed out McGonagall, "Furthermore, there's that Triwizard Tournament coming up, we'd have our hands full with students from other schools as well,"

"True, true,"


	4. Chapter 3

Two weeks later found Naruto staring at the bewildering amount of people pouring into the school. They had arrived by train, some by tiny boats over the squid pond. He had been told to wait in a small room to the right of the Great Doors by Professor McGonagall. Iruka had patted him on the head and told him to be good and to make friends, so Naruto waited, wondering what kind of students would come in. The older students passed through the doors first, laughing and chattering with each other. There were symbols on the front of their robes, snake, lion, badger and raven decorating the unrelieved black uniforms.

Most of them were taller than him by a whole lot, making him feel tiny in comparison. Heck, some of them were even taller than Iruka-sensei! One of the passing older students saw him. It was a young blonde boy talking snottily with his friends, with a sharp glare he snapped, "What are you looking at, Firstie?"

Undaunted, Naruto bounced out, "Yo!" he grinned.

The boy blanched, "You! What the- _What are you doing here_?" His shout drawing interested looks from the crowd.

Naruto scratched his head, "Um, school?"

"I thought you were going back to the East with your teacher," the boy, Dureko, Naruto remembered his name now, ranted, "Why aren't you back there?" His eyes grew round, "Are you here to torment me some more!"

"I school here now!" Naruto chirped.

Dureko smacked a hand over his eyes, "Why? Why me?"

The other students stared at the bizarre sight curiously. A pair of identical redheaded boys strode into view.

"Well hello there,"

"What have we here?"

"A pair of ickle blondies,"

"Cutie Slytherins I believe,"

"Hi! I Uzumaki Naruto!" Naruto chirped.

The red heads exchanged a look.

"Fred,"

"George,"

"Cute tattoos," remarked Fred.

"Are you one of those savages?" George peered at the marks.

"Eh?"

"Oh, leave him alone you Weasleys," Snapped Draco, "We don't associate with those types," he placed himself between Naruto and the two taller boys, "Now go away,"

The redheads' interest on the blonde rose at the sudden protectiveness of the famed for cowardice Slytherin. Their predatory air increased.

"Oh, protective are we?"

"Is the ickle firstie your ickle baby cousin?"

"What! No!" Draco then composed himself, "I am, however, responsible for him, now if you would be so kind as to move on…"

"Well, what if we don't feel like it, eh, Malfoy?"

The other twin stepped closer, "We'd like to get to know the little savage too, don't we, Fred?"

"Yeah, don't be so selfish now-

"-after all, sharing is-"

"-caring!" they both chorused.

Their grinning faces froze when a heavy hand descended on their shoulders, and a silky voice intoned, "Problems finding the Great Hall, Mr. Weasleys?"

Severus Snape loomed behind them much to their horror. Draco smirked smugly, he had caught the sight of the Slytherin Professor making his way to the doors, which was the only reason why he had dared to challenge the twins.

"Uh, no no,"

"Not at all, Professor Snape, sir,"

They laughed nervously. Students sped up their progress to the Great Hall, not exactly eager about commanding the potion master's attention. Then, something most unexpected happened that stopped them in their tracks and made a lot of jaws dropped opened.

"Professor-Snape-Sensei-Sama!" the blonde kid with savage tattoo marks shrieked, and threw his arms around the dreaded potion master's waist.

Time froze for a one terrible second.

000000

"I'm telling you, that kid's mental!"

"Are you sure that's what you saw?"

"I swear, I saw it happened, Fred and George were there, weren't you guys? Guys?"

The twins sat quietly in their seats, staring at their plates. The rest of the Gryffindors shuddered.

Neville patted Ron on his back, "I believe you, Ron,"

"Yeah," murmured the rest, "Us too,"

Something that had traumatised the twins that badly must have had some truth to it.

"Oh, honestly," Hermione pushed back her bushy hair, "Even if that's the case, there's no reason for you to people to over react," she snapped, "maybe he's a family member or, or the son of a close friend,"

"Friend? Greasy gits like that don't have friends," Ron intoned darkly.

"What's even more suspicious," put it Harry, "is that _Malfoy's_ interested in that kid,"

"Oh for-" begin Hermione, but she was interrupted by shushing hisses from her friends. She was about to sternly reprimand them when McGonagal's voice cut her off.

"Uzumaki, Naruto,"

They all shifted to stare at the sorting hat held by the deputy headmistress. A small blonde kid skipped up to the table, waved cheerfully at its occupants and sat down eagerly on the stool. The whole room seemed to hold its breath as the hat settled on the blonde head.

After a long while, when most of the occupants of the Great Hall started to fidget, the rip in the hat opened to announced-

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

From then on, interest on the strange blonde dimmed a little. It was all but dissolved by the announcement of the Triwizard Champion Challenged. By the time the Beaubaxton girls danced in, it was forgotten along with the main course.

That was, until the day the Champion's names were announced.

Much feeling of disgust, awe and displeasure were displayed when Harry Potter's name was lifted from the Goblet of Fire, but then, a fourth champion's name floated up. Squinting at the little slip in his hand, Ludo Bagman licked his lips and tried to sound out the terrible handwriting.

"U-UZ-MACKEY NAY RUT HO!"

Silence fell as the listeners attempt to decipher the owner of that unfortunate name.

"It's Uzumaki Naruto dattebayo!" A thin, shrill voice piped out.

Heads whipped over to see a tiny blonde kid bristling in irritation on his bench at the Hufflepuff's table. The general members of the hall then turned to watch as the potion master's aide groaned from his position at the Head Table and covered his face with his hands.

**Author's notes:**

**First of all, I would like to thank all of you who have reviewed, also to all of you who have made it to the hits list. *Beams* I'm happy to receive such positive response for this experimental fic, and hope that things would continued that way. Just because this is an experiment does not meant it shouldn't be done properly after all.**

**Once again, thank you very much.**


	5. Chapter 4

**Huh, I forgot the disclaimer at Chapter 1. Oh well, nothing in here belongs to me but the plot. All characters used belong to either Kishimoto-sensei or JK Rowling. Did I miss out anyone? No? Right, on with the fic!**

In a room filled with serious people and a solemn atmosphere, Naruto beamed happily beside Harry Potter, apparently the only one unaffected by the stern air. Even his personal teacher, that Iruka person who worked as an assistant to Snape, wrung his hands anxiously. It all added to the enigma of that Naruto person. Someone who was brave (stupid) enough to tackle hug Snape, could barely speak decent English, according to Hermione who had made it a personal crusade to teach the little blonde how to read, was friends with That Prat Malfoy and who grinned and laughed and bounced around all the time.

The girls, Lavender and Padma especially, speculated that Naruto was probably a fallen royalty, betrayed by an unscrupulous relative and was on the run with the only trustworthy servant in the castle. There were holes in this theory, as Hermione pointed out, not the least is the way the 'servant' was sometimes seen smacking and screaming at the blonde kid, particularly after a fantastic mess up, or more recently a prank involving pies, toothbrushes, Hagrid's dog and some extremely large negligees. Hermione was more concern about the 'physical abuse' as she described it to anyone who would stand still long enough, rather than the identity of the kid. She maintained that he was being abused by the so called 'servant', and that the welfare department should be called in to look into the matter. Of course, every other time she happened to expound on this theory, her listeners would looked pointedly at the incredibly happy, laughing blonde 'abused victim' and shook their heads dismissively at her theory.

The boys though, fuelled by House rivalry, believed the blonde to be a loud mouth little brat, a little nobody who sucked up to 'evil Slytherins'. The twins were rather adamant about that part. _They_ maintained that the child was somehow a manifestation of all things evil and cunning through his association with the Potions Master. That remarked was often dealt with raised eyebrows as well.

Of course, when his name was picked by the Goblet of Fire, even more rumours flew.

The other two heads of school were livid, not only because Hogwarts had two contenders to the Cup, but they were both underage! With Potter they could sort of understand, what with the vanquishing of a Dark Lord by the age of one thing. What had baffled them was the little blonde first year; who had not stopped grinning since the announcement by the way. The other Champions, Fleur Delacour and Viktor Krum were more than a little curious about the situation. They were a more pragmatic about the Harry Potter being one of the Champions, _someone_ had to be the Hogwarts Champion, and who better than the Boy-Who-Lived? Both were eager to test their abilities against the famous wizard, that weird little first year however…

The arguments went on and on, until Alastor Moody broke in and said, "Why don't we ask young chap how he managed to get his name in the Goblet?"

"A sensible idea, Alastor," beamed the Hogwarts headmaster.

All eyes turned to Naruto, who was busily picking his nose, "Neh?"

Madam Maxine felt a vein bulged somewhere on her head, but smiled gamely down, "Liddle boy," she said, "Tell us 'ow you put your name in the goblet, eh?"

The boy frowned, "What word this, gobureto?"

"A goblet, Mr. Uzumaki," said Snape, "a cup, specifically the one that stood in the Great Hall for students over the age of seventeen to place their name in,"

"Ah! Cup I know," he made a drinking motion, "Yes?"

"Yes, yes, now tell us how you placed your name in,"

"Ok!" Naruto gave him a thumbs up and a grin, "Kage bunshin no jutsu!" he split into two, much to the astonishment of the Beaubaxton and Durmstrang representatives, as well as the rest of those not in Hogwarts during the summer holidays. With swift motions Naruto placed the Goblet in the middle of the room. He and his clone paced themselves away from the Goblet at two different angles, approximately the distance where the age barrier spell began. Once they reached the desired distance, both boys proceed to draw out an odd looking knife. The first blonde threw a knife with piece of paper attached to it by a short string. A second knife flew in precise timing to severe the string, causing the piece of paper to flutter gently into the Goblet.

There was silence in the room as the occupants observed the flaw of the age barrier spell. Alastor Moody busied himself by studying the short fat knife embedded in the stone floor with interest. Naruto grinned at his accomplishments proudly.

Severus cleared his throat, "Very well, now if you'd be so kind as to tell us _why_ you enter yourself into the Championship?"

"Eh?"

Black eyes narrowed, "You did place your name in the Goblet, did you not?"

Naruto mulled over his words for a moment before nodding, "Yeah…"

"So," he repeated slowly, as if speaking to a dim child, which he was, sort of, "We would like to know why,"

"Why… Ano, name in cup, a compi- competition, yah? So I, Uzumaki Naruto, never to back down challenge, so I follow, and I success dattebayo!"

"… I do believe he thinks putting names in the Goblet of Fire was a… game," noted Professor Sprout in stunned disbelief.

"We get that impression, thank you Professor Sprout," Snape replied.

"…does he realised the danger he's putting himself into?" exclaimed McGonagal, "The Triwizard Tournament is not a game, there's a reason why only students above seventeen are allowed to take part in, the child is just not ready!"

"And yet," Albus Dumbledore replied softly, "his name was chosen by the Goblet of Fire,"

The others paused to stare at the blonde child, now chattering incomprehensively at Severus who appeared to be listening attentively. A minor miracle in of itself.

"Perhaps the Goblet is mistaken? Or was charmed by another to allow four contenders?" put in the Head of Games.

"It is a powerful, ancient artefact, Bagman," the Durmstrang Headmaster said frostily, "Do you think such an artefact simply becomes… faulty like some muggle object?"

"That does not change that we now have four Champions, and two from Hogwarts!" Madame Maxine thundered.

"What do you think, Headmaster?" Professor Sprout watched with growing concern at her young and _very_ enthusiastic charged who appeared appallingly oblivious to the tensed atmosphere of the room.

"I believe, I may have a solution, Headmaster," a soft voice murmured.

The rest turn to face the young, patient looking potion master's aide. The young man gazed back with mild brown eyes; the large scar on his nose did little to make him look intimidating. It only served to underline the innocence in those eyes. Those who had suffered from his temper took a reflexive step back, including Dumbledore, the rest were too caught up with his friendly chakra to see beyond the calm, gentle aura.

"Hello," he enunciate carefully, "My name is Iruka Umino," he bowed to the general populace, "At present, I am a helper to the good Professor Snape," he flashed a quick disapproving look at Harry's snort of disbelief, "But more important, I am the teacher to Naruto-kun,"

Naruto beamed at the mention of his name.

Karkaroff sniffed, "And how is this relevant to us?"

Iruka did not even stiffen a single muscle, "As I was explaining, Naruto-kun is my student, we are both here due to some… unfortunate events which prevents our returning to our country, Headmaster Dumbledore was very kind to us, to offer us shelter, work for myself and education for Naruto," here he smiled brilliantly at Dumbledore, betraying no suspicion or resentment against the man, "Before we left, Naruto had been on the last legs of his education from Konoha,"

"Get to your point, man," growled Alastor Moody.

Iruka placed the tips of his fingers together, "Very well, I believe the main discontent here is Hogwart's two Champions, yes? But Naruto had only been in this school for a few weeks, before he was of Konoha Academy, therefore as teacher and representative of the Academy, I propose for Naruto to contest as Konoha representative," he bowed to his stunned audience.

Chaos broke out almost immediately.

"A fourth school! In a _Triwizard_?"

"What nonsense is this-"

"Never heard of-"

"But he's a child, _a_ _child!_"

"This is ridiculous!"

"Albus, _say something_,"

"Perhaps," a smooth voice cuts through, "this matter had best be addressed by the representative of Magical Games and Sports," Snape raised an eyebrow, "Mr. Ludo Bagman?"

Bagman appeared taken aback by the direct attention, "Er, of course, thank you, Severus," he straightened his robes and stood a little straighter, "As Mr. ah-"

"Umino, please,"

"Right, good man," he beamed at Iruka, "As Mr. Umino said, young Uz McKay here-"

"Uzumaki dattebayo!" a young voice cried out.

"-represents a different school, then there should be no trouble in placing the boy in the competition, although," he placed a hand just on top of Naruto's head, it came up to somewhere near his waist, "he is little small to be in a deadly competition,"

Naruto stamped his foot and shook his fist at Ludo Bagman, thinking that the man was making fun of his height. Iruka slammed a fist on Naruto's head, quieting the boy down, and making a few winced or gasped in horror at the gentle seeming man's action.

"Please, Mr. Bagman, Naruto is very capable, like I have said, it is his last year in my class," total truth, Naruto graduated sometime early that year, "I can give him extra training in preparation for this Competition, when time permits of course, Professor Snape," he bowed politely to the Potions Master.

There were murmurs among the audience, but whether it is positive or not remains to be seen. Madame Maxine and Kakaroff still looked disgruntle.

"I'm afraid I can't agree," said Kakaroff finally, "To qualify for this competition, each school must come up with some recompense," he glared at the suddenly anxious looking teacher, "What does your… _Academy_ had to offer?" he sneered.

"Yes," Madame Maxine loomed over the blushing young man, "What do you have to offer, that could grant you a place among three of the greatest school in magical history?"

Naruto eyes snapped, sensing bad intentions against his teacher. The boy leaped from his position on the floor where he had been nursing a bump on his head to bristle angrily at the two head of schools. A word from Iruka stopped him from growling, but they all note the knife still in his hand.

"I have nothing, good Headmasters, Madame," he nodded humbly at them, "What I have, is what I am, a teacher, nothing more, nothing less." He spread his hands before them, "What I do have is knowledge, and the ability to pass them on,"

That remark brought a spark of interest in all of them, including Moody, the rest of Hogwarts were similarly curious as well. The gentle seeming 'sensei' had been rather close mouth about his abilities and origins.

"I have spent many days studying your magic, you have the ability to create and manipulate energy in ways that still astounds me," he smiled, slipping his new wand in his hand and floating a vase of flowers, "This is a very interesting tool, one which I have not the privilege to see until… recently," the vase resettle on the table with only a slight wobble, "What I know of energy manipulation had to do with the combination of body and spirit," he put away the wand and did a few quick and seals and created three bunshins.

"Oh, Merlin's pants," gasped Ludo Bagman, earning glares from the female populace.

"It is the art of my country," a few more seals caused them to change their appearance into each of the Head of school.

Moody straightened at this performance, the rest were more than a little stunned by the show of 'wandless magic'.

A wave of hand caused the clones to pop out of existence, "What I have is this knowledge, and this, I can pass on to any students who desires to learn them,"

The short, stunned silenced was soon broken by clamouring for this strange teacher's protégé to enter the Championship.

**Author's note:**

**I love the idea of having Naruto in Hufflepuff. I felt that that's the best house for one who could convert people into his side just by being himself. I was never really sold by the Naruto as Gryffindor cast, sure he was brave to the point of stupid, but he was never cannon fodder (I think…). More importantly, he's loyal and very, very hard working. For those of you who had read a Naruto-works-day-and-night-to-perfect-a-technique fic should understand. My next house of choice would actually be Slytherin. A class clown aiming to be the hokage, ambitious much?**

**KT**

And now after much philosophical musings, a little treat for my wonderful readers.

Omake:

Severus was suffering from a headache. Not an uncommon dilemma for a man who had to deal with inept dunderheads every other day in the potions classroom. However, this was special, this particular bit of pain throbbed menacingly at a precise spot on his left temple. A sense of doom warped his vision for a moment before a terrible crash happened somewhere in the castle. It was soon followed by a thunderous bellow of-

"U-ZU-MA-KI NARUTOOOO!"

Calmly, Severus loosened his grip from the squashed… something in his hand. Well, that's one way to juice a mandrake.


	6. Chapter 5

The morning of 'Chakra Training' drew bright and clear.

There had been a short seminar on Oriental Magic, as taught by the mysterious Potions Master's aide. Most of the girls there had been a little smitten by his youthful appearance and gentle eyes, lured by the promise of an exciting event coupled by the romantic notion of learning from the obviously young and fit professor. The boys, however, eyed the scar on his nose and speculated on his possible powers and special student, Naruto, the only first year in the whole of Triwizard history to make it into the competition.

There was to be a stamina test to eliminate those weak in body. Because, as Iruka had patiently explained, 'chakra' is a combination of the physical and spiritual. While many in the student body were strong in 'spirit' or magic, they were terribly weak in terms of physical strength. The test was to weed out those that were not strong enough to withstand the training required to learn Oriental wandless magic.

A large group of civilians, Iruka could only think of them as that, gathered on the castle lawn before him. It was barely dawn on a Saturday. Iruka had chosen that particular time since it was an excellent way of weeding out those who could not even bring themselves to leave their beds in the morning. Much less acquire the discipline for chakra training.

As it was, he faced the bleary eyed lot with a large smile, a bouncy, eager Naruto by his side and a clipboard in hand.

"Good morning class," his students murmured something unintelligible and unpleasant, Iruka's smile grew, "today we are going to do some training exercises." He grinned at them, "I'm sure by now most of you are familiar with Naruto-kun,"

Naruto waved and bounced happily. A few students actually shielded their eyes from his sheer happiness.

He nodded, "First we are going to do some stretching exercises, after that, the stamina test, I'm afraid those who fail this test must leave the class," he put up a hand against the groans of protest, "Chakra training is very dangerous, those who could not even keep up with a basic stamina exercise could die from energy misalignment."

That remark sobered up most of the protestors.

"For those of you who felt you cannot keep up with the physical part of training you may quit any time, but be warned, I will not accept any quitters back into the program," Iruka was pretty much bullshitting at this point, the less people who knew Konoha's ninja secrets, the better for him.

Some left the group, but a majority of them stayed. A new determination in their eyes. Iruka smiled back grimly.

"Very well, let us begin,"

The beginning part of the stretching exercises was quite basic. Most muggleborns and half-blood children recognise them from their P.E. classes at their muggle schools. Then it grew more elaborated, when Iruka bend his body backwards, forming a bridge with his body, more than a few older students (and teachers) suffered nosebleeds and unhealthy thoughts. Who knew the teacher's aide was so… bendy.

000000

"Right, that was refreshing!" Iruka announced cheerfully, masterfully ignoring the pile of students on their backs, or bent in weird position from the exercise, "come on, get up all of you, now is not the time for sleep!"

As the student body struggled to their feet, Iruka gestured for Naruto who skipped up to his favourite teacher happily, having done all the exercises perfectly.

"Alright, it is now time for the test," a sobering gloom permeated the air, with most of the students wondering what terrible test he was going to put them through after that 'light stretching'. Iruka smiled cheerfully, "Please note the distance between here and the lake,"

'Here' being a line of sticks Naruto was busily putting down.

"The test is very simple, Naruto-kun will demonstrate, and you will follow, those who can keep up with Naruto will gain an automatic pass. Those who outlast Naruto may skip the next two tests and go straight for Stage 2."

A titter of excitement rose.

"Please start, Naruto-kun,"

"Yosh! Iruka-sensei!" Naruto saluted his favourite teacher and walked to the stick line. He bent and lightly touched the ground, then sprinted quickly to the lakeside to touch the water. He then ran back to the stick line, touched the ground and ran back to the water's edge. He kept repeating the mindless motions effortlessly, much to the puzzlement of pureblood students and the dawning horror of the muggleborns.

When no one moved to run, Iruka raised his clipboard menacingly, "Well? Do you want to learn or not? Go go go, run run RUN!" the last word was bellowed out, spurring them like a whip crack. A few turned up rich, aristocratic noses at the exercise and left the ground.

000000

Before the interested eyes of three great schools, Iruka worked the students hard. His keen brown eyes picked out stragglers and sent them to the hospital wing. Most of the Beaubaxton girls fell first, except for those who had veela blood to aid them. A good number of Durmstrang boys remained, many being built for harsh winters and used to thinner climate. For Hogwarts, Professor Sprout was pleased to note that there were more Hufflepuffs left compared to other Houses. Of Ravenclaw, only one girl and a few boys were left, Slytherin was represented by Marcus Flint and Draco Malfoy who dogged Harry Potter's heels determinedly. Gryffindor was represented by Angelina Johnson, Dean Thomas, Neville Longbottom Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger and of course, Harry Potter.

A good number of them were running on adrenalin and determination now, with Malfoy and Potter going neck and neck, Weasley and Granger struggling to keep up and the rest of the lot going doggedly after them. Sprinting tirelessly was Naruto, who somehow managed to keep grinning despite the long hour, putting in three laps for every one finished by the fastest of them.

From the sidelines, Madam Hooch nudged Severus, "Looks like we found someone even more sadistic than you," she grinned.

Madame Maxine scowled heavily, only two members of the Beaubaxton were left in the running, Fleur and her sister. In contrast, Karkaroff was pleased to note that almost all of the seventh year boys were still in the running, while they may not beat that freakish first year boy, they were still ahead of Hogwarts and Beaubaxton.

"One more lap!" Iruka's voice rang out.

Hermione clung on to consciousness determinedly, she _will_ finish this, she _will_ learn this strange new magic or die trying! Angelina paced herself carefully, being a sports person, she was familiar with the regime, while there were some derisive remarks about her decision to go pro at sports, she was determined to prove that she can and will succeed beyond mere pretty face on a broom. Fleur and her sister, Gabrielle, kept a close eye on each other, their veela blood gave them an edge, being of lighter built and natural stamina for flight had kept them going, they would not fail their school.

As a football fanatic, Dean had done his fair share of running with his father and brothers. Therefore had less trouble keeping up with the pace set, but was amused to find himself faltering behind strongly competitive Potter and Malfoy. Briefly, he wondered how they found the breath to run and throw insults at the same time.

Marcus was more pragmatic about the race, he had been nudged by Professor Snape, as the most athletic _and_ intelligent of the lot in the Snake's Den to participate in the physical tryouts for Oriental Magic. Malfoy's unexpected burst of physical ability was a surprise to him, one would have thought the brat wouldn't be caught dead sweating, but here he was scurrying back and forth along with the rest of them.

000000

"Alright, time's up, well done all of you," Iruka's cheerful voice worked like a signal. Those still standing just let their body flop to the ground carelessly, unable to move another inch.

"Naruto, come! More training for you!"

"Yes, Sensei!"

The defeated 'civilians' moaned from their position on the ground.

And that was how the first Oriental Magic class started.

000000

Iruka was mildly horrified and a little disturbed to find that the first task involved dragons. Huge winged lizard things that breathed fire. He was a little concerned about Naruto, of course, but not of his ability to pass, the boy did survive the Forest of Death and Orochimaru.

He was actually more concerned about the other contenders.

The girl, Flower, was a keen study during his Oriental classes, just a little flighty as girls as pretty as her are wont to be. The foreign boy, Krum was better at physicals, but had trouble with the finer aspects of chakra control, Iruka couldn't get him to relax enough to meditate for example. The one who did reasonably well was Harry Potter, of course, part of the reason for this was the pale face Malfoy boy, who kept him on his toes. Iruka approved of the rivalry between them.

There were tensions and half snarls and infightings in his group, as well as the unanimous hatred all of them had against him. Iruka smiled serenely, ah, nothing like hate to unite people. The other teachers thought he was crazy, sadistic, et cetera et cetera, Iruka merely shrugged and claimed that all students have that one way pass to quit his class anytime. Even more had dropped off after that first day. He grinned.

"Entertaining amusing thoughts?" Severus' silky voice purred.

Iruka directed his grin at the man, "Oh yes, we shall have some water sports this weekend, you know," he smiled innocently, "to buoy the body's ability to circulate chakra,"

Severus regarded him solemnly, "It's the middle of November, Mr. Umino,"

"Iruka, please," he ducked his head, "All the better, will you be joining us?"

"For a freezing dip with the squid?" he raised an eyebrow haughtily, "No, thank you,"

"Aw, but it'd be fun," he stretched easily, "I could use the exercise, so could Naruto," Iruka nodded at the arena where Naruto was staring in awe at the giant lizard thing, "I think he's feeling a bit cooped up,"

"And facing dragons aren't exciting enough?"

A loud Kage bunshin no jutsu! shout reached them, immediately hundreds of Naruto in orange robes, somehow the boy had gotten hold of a colour changing spell, ran amuck among the eggs. A good number of them henge into golden eggs, confusing the poor mother, the real Naruto quickly sealed the desired item into portable seal and jumped up the judges' table. The whole thing took less than ten minutes.

Iruka smirked, "No, I really don't think he had quite enough."

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As he had promised, threatened, whatever, the next training was held at the lake.

"Now, everyone please get into the water," he said benignly.

The students stared at him, at the foot deep snow around their ankles and at the snow spattered water. A huge, white tentacle rose up to wave at them.

"You're crazy, right?" Angelina Jones said.

"My father will hear of this," Malfoy intoned listlessly.

"What if we get pneumonia and die?"

"Or frostbitten?"

"Or lose our toes?"

"Or get eaten by the squid?"

A smile was their answer, "I'm sure, that as a magical establishment, Hogwarts should be amply supplied to deal with such little problems," Which was quite true, he had checked with the Pomfrey woman about it, the nurse was unhappy of course, angry and huffing unattractively, but she was warned.

Severus was nowhere to be found, unfortunately, too bad, Iruka had thought he would like to join this little torturing, er, tutoring session.

Oh well, he still have Naruto.

"Do most of you swim?" he asked.

A few shook their heads eagerly, hoping that it would get them out of the exercise.

"Pity, a swim would warm you up at least," he sighed, "Oh well, into the water now,"

"B-but what are we going to do there!" The bushy hair Granger girl shrieked.

"Meditation, you will learn to push chakra to your skin and keep warm," he smiled kindly, but none of his students were fooled, they knew what sadist he was. "Now, into the water…"

No one moved, they huddled closer together, clumping for warmth and safety.

Iruka sighed, "Well, I believe there's no way out of it, Naruto?"

"Hai! Sensei!" the evil little blonde bounced out from the water where he had been swimming in, _swimming_! In the middle of November!

"Please escort your friends into the water,"

"Yosh Sensei!" half naked in blindingly orange boxers, the boy salute Iruka smartly, "Kage bunshin no jutsu!"

Iruka was please to note that as soon as Naruto put his hands in the cross sign, his temporary students scattered, wands out to fight the terror of half naked orange. Ah, teamwork, if only Kakashi was here to see this level cooperation.

After the last of the civilians had been tossed into the lake, Iruka made them stay for at least ten minutes in the freezing water before relenting and letting them leave for the warmth of the castle. Most immediately took off, shivering and sneezing violently. Naruto surfaced the water near his feet, paddling casually with a couple of Durmstrang students who did not seem to mind the cold. Not one to waste a good vacation opportunity, Iruka shrugged off his robes, and dived in with them.

**As some of you might have noticed, the Triwizard ended very shortly. Well, seeing as how the game had been written to death, I thought I'd spare us all a rehashing of it and give just a few highlights. There's still a lot to write, and I am planning a sequel. It may or may not be Kakairu, (I'm a Kakairu fan!), but, I'm digressing to the wishes of readers.**

**Review will make the author happy!**


	7. Chapter 6

Their next challenge was, ironically, an underwater sport. Iruka had been approached by the managers of the Triwizard sport to become Naruto's 'One he would missed most' to which he politely declined. It would not be practical, he told them serenely, and asked to know the spells used to keep people asleep and breathing underwater.

In the end, they decided on that blonde Malfoy child, that bratty, determine child. Iruka had to admit, he quite like the kid, especially when he started cursing and shouting that he would _definitely_ beat Potter at this exercise. Ah, it reminded him of his favourite student…

The 'trial' went on without much of a hitch, a simple search and rescue mission, one which Naruto was able to complete by walking on the water as he seeded the pond with clones to try and determine the hostages' position before diving in. All the academy students could swim and hold their breath for at least five minutes. Longer once they learn how to burn chakra as oxygen, though it was a dangerous feat, oxygen poisoning being part of the risks.

However, for this test, Naruto did not even have to burn chakra, he could hold his breath for almost eight minutes, more if he's prepared. Iruka watched in approval as Naruto took the time to breathe in and out quickly and harshly for five seconds before diving in. A simple trick that could increase underwater time by fifty percent, although it could not be done too many times, otherwise the diver risk blacking out underwater.

He finished the task within the first thirty minutes.

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A wet, bedraggled Draco Malfoy scowled at the water as they waited for Potter to surface. Naruto bounced next to him, nearly spilling the content of his mug on Draco. While he was flattered at being the freakish child's 'most important person barring the Awesome Iruka Sensei' Draco did not feel happy about being wet and cold.

His father will hear about this!

A fluffy towel dropped on his head, and someone whom he swore was about to die began to scrub vigorously at his exquisite blonde hair.

"You shouldn't leave your hair so wet, Draco-kun," the mellow voice of the Sensei-From-Hell drifted down, "you could catch a cold,"

Draco gulped.

Iruka watched in amusement as they boy squirmed and ducked under his ministration. He knew a lot of the students were afraid of him and his, ah, teaching techniques, but it was mostly for their own good, really. He didn't want to teach any whining civilians their art, but if he had to, he'd beat the whine out of them first.

In truth, Iruka was quite impressed by the bunch that managed to stick with the torture program for so long. He had been deliberately sadistic, weeding out the ones most likely to quit and was now starting them on the basic pre-k training for six years old. Iruka didn't bother to tell Naruto to keep his mouth shut about their training techniques, the genin's own training regime far outstrip whatever Iruka had been doing with the students here, if they want to copy Naruto, they would do so at their own risk.

Still, it was interesting to see them trying to pump Naruto for information, especially the twin redheads who had not joined his training. Perhaps they thought they could learn what was needed from Naruto? Whatever it was, Iruka wished them luck. Their attempts to pry information would give Naruto a chance to brush up on his English.

Iruka smiled at the sulking blonde boy, giving the now fluffy strands a good rub, "There now, all nice and dry,"

The lower lip jutted out further. Iruka had to restrain a snort from bursting out.

When the results came out, Iruka was mildly disgusted to see the blatant favouritism on the part of both headmasters, at least the madam was fair. Dumbledore's little speech about valiant heroic act on Potter's part was laying it on a bit thick, in Iruka's humble opinion, but what made his other eyebrow shot up was the vast difference in points for Harry and the Krum boy from Karkaroff. Wow, they don't even bother to pretend to be subtle here.

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Hogsmead weekend came amidst cheers from the students. Iruka gave all his students the weekend off to visit the nearby village. It is important to treat students from time to time to keep them from committing a revolt on you. He ambled serenely beside a scowling Severus, a happy Naruto skipping with his group of admirers ahead of them. They had visited the little town before with Severus, though it was probably a time Severus wished never had happened.

_Then_

_Three weeks into staying with Severus, Naruto had managed to blow up, melt and damage enough of his potions supplies to warrant a trip for more. Luckily, most of the stuff was cheap and easily found at stores. Severus hadn't wanted them to come, but the Headmaster had twinkled menacingly at the man. Iruka had felt a little guilty about it, but he had also thought it would be practical for them to see more of the 'magical world' and find out about neighbouring areas properly. He'd glimpsed the village during his excursions in the Forbidden Forest and snuck around at night, but that was it._

_It would also be a good information gathering exercise for Naruto as well._

_The walk was soothing to Iruka. It was rather enjoyable to leave the work and study behind him, even for a while. Naruto was literally bouncing off the walls at not having to read or write anything. An angry soldier in metal armour shook his fist from his frame at Naruto after almost being hit by the bouncing blonde. They were ushered out with big smiles from the people within. A sack of money was tossed from the window at Iruka with instructions to 'please enjoy the outside as long as you like'._

_Iruka hefted the little sack, and present it to Severus, "To pay for the ingredients," he smiled._

_Severus quirked an eyebrow, "I believed the headmaster intended that for you,"_

"_Ah, well," a blush rose, "Naruto had been a little terror lately, and…"_

"_Keep it. The ingredients are paid for by the school anyway," he smirked as the excited shouts of the little blonde reached them, "perhaps some treats would calm the brat down a bit,"_

_Iruka smiled wryly, "Well, Naruto had trouble learning through books and lectures, he's more of a hands on type,"_

"_That explains the self poisoning," Severus muttered darkly, "and the explosions and the spiders and the angry squid…"_

"_Ah, ha ha…"_

"_Have you considered investing in a leash for the boy?"_

"_Hmm, I'm afraid that won't be of any use,"_

"_Oh?"_

"_All of our students are taught the basics of the Rope Shedding technique,"_

"_A Rope Shedding technique," drawled Severus, "yes, I see how that has to do with the leash,"_

"_It's a type of rope escape technique," Iruka lectured, "It requires a certain degree of chakra control to perform…"_

_Severus listened with interest, here was a potentially useful bit of knowledge, one never know when a rope escape technique might come in handy on his second line of work._

_The walk to the village past companionably, partly due to Iruka's soothing aura, Severus knew he would not be so calm in another's presence. A small, rebellious part of him was outraged by the blatant manipulation, but the larger part of him didn't really care. He could block out the effect using occlumens, but what's the point of that? It's good to be able to relax without the aid of potions, having the man staying at his quarters had reduced the constant tension in his head. Something potions could only achieve temporarily._

_He knew the other staffs, especially the headmaster had been sliding some inquiring looks at him and the foreign teacher, but he ignored them. Let them think what they like._

"_Hey! Hey! Wanna see my incredible jutsu?"_

_Of course, whatever calming effect the foreigner had on him was immediately negated by the very presence of That Blonde Menace. He could barely summon up the energy even think badly of Potter anymore, something that would hopefully change when the blasted brat is back at Hogwarts. However, now was a time of peace and tranquillity, Severus was determine to enjoy it as long as it lasts. Naturally, that was when he slipped up. Feeling uncharacteristically mellow, Severus made the mistake of giving Naruto the grunt of approval despite Iruka's frantic hand waving._

"_Sexy no Jutsu!"_

_What happened next was something Severus had asked Minerva to obliviate from his mind, but the damn witch wouldn't comply. Instead, she had made an appalled face and then proceeded to laughed heartily at Severus' expense. Denied this modest mercy, Severus plotted for revenge._

_Now_

So, when Naruto's annoyingly happy voice piped out, "Hey! Hey! Guys! Wanna see my awesome jutsu?" Severus cast a discreet tripping spell at Iruka.

The subsequent disaster was quite spectacular in Severus' humble opinion. First, it was amusing to see the ever well balance ninja teacher Iruka, who could walk on walls and water, tripped over nothing, the beginnings of a harsh reprimand choked off at birth. It was followed by a shout of 'Sexy no jutsu!' and a slight bamph of smoke. Taking care to keep his eyes away, Severus casually erected a shield to protect himself from the incoming bloodbath.

He waited for the muted screeches and ominous splashes to stop before bracing himself to catch a sight of the carnage. There standing proudly in the middle of damnation was a giggly blonde girl, the bane of all things with hormones. With the swiftness of a snake, Severus withdrew a camera from the depths of his sleeve and caught enough blackmail material to serve him well into retirement.

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"I can't believe you did something like that!" Hermione wailed at a cringing blonde, "making such a horrible, _shameful_ product of yourself!"

"Oh leave it, Granger," Draco drawled from his corner of the table, "be thankful it's just a stupid childish prank,"

"Stupid_?_" Hermione spluttered, "_Childish?_"

"He's right you know," Angeline Johnson piped up from the other end of the table, "Imagine what he's like if he knows how to properly seduce people instead of just shocking them with nakedness."

Some of the boys' eyes glazed over as they imagined the whiskered blonde bombshell did something more imaginative than giggle and pose.

The sharp tap of a tray hitting the table snapped them out of it. The pleasant countenance of Iruka-sensei smiling over the butterbeers had their thought processes frozen.

"Well now," the soothing voice causing even the girls to tensed up, "drinks for everyone," he smiled, "as a treat to all of you for putting up with me," he pushed the tray of frothing liquid towards them coaxingly, "come now, have one each,"

Somewhere, a pained whimper was heard, but none of them dared to refuse him. Iruka patted Draco and Hermione on the head as he passed them on the way to his table with the other teachers.

McGonagall gave a disapproving frown, "Isn't that a little much?"

"It is?" Iruka gave an innocent smile, "well, I'll admit it's a little expensive, but it's good to indulge children a little sometimes,"

"That's not what I meant," McGonagall frowned, "Your habit of threatening the children is getting a little out of hand,"

Iruka gave a confused look at her and a smirking Severus, "Is buying drinks for children threatening now?" he gave the table full of shinobi-wizard-in-training a glance. They were all watching Naruto as he gulped eagerly at the warm, sweet drink not daring to touch their own. "Huh, perhaps they like to have more training? Some of my other students like that better as a treat…"

McGonagall's look of horror was trumped by the horrified whimpers of nearby eavesdroppers, who quickly quaffed their drinks, uncaring about poisons or other such things anymore. Anything but more training. Iruka continued to look innocently confused as Severus laughed out loud, scaring the civilians even more.

Heh, that foreign teacher really knows how to conduct a proper mind fuck.

**As some of you might have noticed, the Triwizard ended very shortly. Well, seeing as how the game had been written to death, I thought I'd spare us all a rehashing of it and give just a few highlights. There's still a lot to write, and I am planning a sequel. It may or may not be Kakairu, (I'm a Kakairu fan!), but, I'm digressing to the wishes of readers.**

**Review will make the author happy!**


	8. Chapter 7

**Eheh, I just discovered that I did not include any disclaimer. Huh.**

**Well, the characters all belong to Kishimoto-sensei and JK Rowling respectively. I make no profit from this, I do, however, own the plot. There will be no Kakashi here, the main character is Iruka-sensei and no pesky jounin will magically appear to steal the lime light away. It may well turn into Kakairu in the sequel, dunno, haven't decided yet.**

**To celebrate the Christmas season, I've included not one, but TWO omakes! Yay!**

The Christmas season descended upon them in snowflakes and singing suits of armour. Iruka spent the day cooped up with a stone jar of Severus' pensive memory of the day they arrived via demon summoning seals. Specifically, he was studying the inner pattern of seals on the floor where a lot of booted feet had smudged. He'd already made a copy of the seals on parchment paper, and was now checking for any anomalies and inconsistencies.

It took some careful chakra manipulation, but he managed to earn a degree of trust from Severus, enough to grant him a day spent with the memories. It was a lot like some of the more delicate spy work he'd done in the past. While facial scarring was practically a fashion statement in the shinobi circle, among civilians it stuck out like a red flag in the snow. So for special undercover work, Iruka had the scar professionally covered, and blend in with the masses. Somehow, people have a tendency to talk around those they deemed plain and unworthy of attention. Even more so when given a gentle chakra nudge.

Iruka was no fool. To the sheep like community 'Iruka-sensei' was a smiling, hot tempered eccentric who showed his emotions plainly to the world. A little spicy, but generally harmless persona that fits well into their little magical community. Meanwhile, Iruka was careful to keep his secrets close. It had been hard to learn the language, but ironically easier to translate the foreign seals into usable data. His past work as a spy and decoder expert kicked in to make sense of the various swirled and spiked writing. He had a suspicion that the English language was deliberately rigged by the locals to make life difficult for foreigners.

He was in the middle of some careful calibration work when the door slammed open. Years of having children slamming in unexpectedly kept his hands still even as screams of 'IRUKA-SENSEI!' echoed in the enclosed space.

The child bounced in happily, "Guess what! Guess what!"

"What?" Iruka smiled indulgently.

"Sprout Professor said my Jiggery plant thingy is the best in class!" Naruto shouted excitedly, "She say is plenty green and lots of flowers buds and will make awesome poisons for Snape-sensei!"

"Did she now?" Iruka smiled, amused by Naruto's insistent at calling Severus' art 'poison making'.

"Yeah, yeah, it was so awesome and Mindy was like 'Where did you learn that!" and Greg was all 'Hey, teach me!" and I was like 'Well, I keep plants in my apartment!' and stuff and hey whatcha doing, Iruka-sensei?" Naruto ended the babble to peer at the jumble of written symbols and swirls on Iruka's desk.

Iruka chuckle, maybe he could use the enthusiasm to his advantage, "I'm studying some seals, Naruto,"

"Seals?" the pained, puzzled scowl pulled the smile upside down.

"You know about exploding tags and storage seals right?"

"Yeeaaahh…."

"See, these are the seals that summoned us to this place,"

An interested shine lit up in the eyes, "… we can go home?"

"Not yet," the eyes dimmed a little, but the fierce determination stayed, "see, these are seals that brought us here," Iruka spread out the massive sheet of paper, showing the complicated diagram, "what we need to do is to calibrate a different seal, one that would send us back to Konoha."

"So, so, we need to do is reverse the seal thingy?"

Iruka made a face, he'd have to find away to increase Naruto's vocabulary, "Not quite, see, if we reverse everything, we might just end up summoning a dog, or cat demon, or it might send _us_ into the youkai realm." He pointed to one of the symbols, "Also, reversing a seal isn't as easy as it sounds, see, this is a sign for 'summon', say we change it to 'send' a direct reverse symbol, but there's still the question of how to reverse the god symbol for 'Suzaku' or phoenix, do we use a bird of darkness? Or of a four legged animal? Also, there is the question of positioning. More important than the symbols itself," Iruka lectured, "are the positioning of the seal symbols,"

"Oh, oh, I know this!" Naruto bounced in his seat, hand jacking up like a certain bushy haired student, "It's like the difference in making shock tags and exploding tags, the symbol for light is placed all around the kanji for Shock, but is placed at all corners of an exploding tag for- for- er…"

"For ease of ignition," Iruka answered automatically, a little dazed that Naruto managed to get in all that.

"Yeah! That!"

Seizing the chance for education, Iruka pointed out more symbols for the boy to identify. They were so engrossed at studying the seals that when the door slammed opened, both ninja shrieked and leaped for the walls. The unfortunate individual was peppered with deadly bits of stationary and furniture thrown in haste. When the commotion died down a little, the multi-coloured visage of a broken door was revealed. Iruka and Naruto exchanged a look from their vantage point, Iruka dropped down first, the soft tap of sandal on stone was deliberately loud, enough that two heads peered in to investigate.

Severus stepped in through the rubble that was his door, "I swear, if you've broken anything important…"

Iruka raised his hands, "Um, I'm really sorry for that, but you should have known by now it's bad to come in so suddenly,"

A dark eyebrow rose, "Even to my own workshop?"

Iruka blushed at that, "Ah, well," he scratched the back of his head sheepishly, "Uh, sorry?"

Naruto hopped to the floor as well, "I sorry too…" he said sorrowfully, but then, an unholy light lit up his eyes. He whipped out his wand with a determine glare, "I fix!"

Faster than a striking snake, Iruka snatched the stick away, "No, no, Naruto, remember the last time you try to fix things? We should leave this to the experts," he nodded at a worried Professor Sprout who was standing in horror behind Severus.

"What in seven hells happened here?" she inquired indignantly, "And Mr. Uzumaki, you have dancing lessons today,"

"Unh," the blonde scuttled behind a forbidding looking bit of furniture.

Iruka was amused, "Dancing?"

"Why yes," said Sprout, "For the Yule Ball,"

Iruka frowned, "Why would you want to dance for a ball?"

"Why dear child," she appeared not to notice Iruka's irritated twitch, "Balls are for dancing,"

"I'm afraid you've lost me," Iruka smiled through his teeth, "But where we're from, dancing does not include balls, perhaps you dance with the floating orange fruit?"

"The- what?"

"Orange?" Naruto poke his head out hopefully.

"O- oh! No, no, dancing is done with other people, dear child," she smiled kindly at Naruto, "Do come, as one of the Champions you'll be expected to open the dance,"

"It wouldn't do to look clumsy now," Severus said gravely.

"Open? Open fruit with face?" Naruto looked up hopefully.

"… you have very strange customs here," Iruka commented.

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Once everything had been properly explained to the two foreigners (No, there won't be any dancing with floating Jack-o-lanterns and yes, Naruto, you have to) it was up to Iruka to convinced the boy to join his housemates in learning how to dance.

He sat the boy down with him to watch the Hufflepuffs dance. Due to Naruto, the age limit for the Yule Ball had been lifted from fourth years and above only, to everyone was welcome. Much to the pleasure of the lower year girls. "Now, let us have a lesson in observation," Iruka ignored Naruto's scrunched up face, "Tell me what you see,"

Naruto squinted grumpily at the stumbling students. "… people tripping on their feet,"

"Look harder,"

"…stupid swishy moves,"

A bop on the head, "Look again,"

"..giggly girls," a scowl from Iruka prompted him before the fist, "red face guys, more laughing girls,"

"You're on the right track, go on,"

In return, Naruto scowled harder, "…girls… like dancing?"

"Mmhm,"

"So, so, if I know how to dance, Sakura-chan would like me better than stupid Sasuke-teme because Sakura-chan is a girl!"

"…that's one way of looking at things…" at Naruto's blank look, he coughed, "Why yes, most girls like sensitive guys who dances and bake and sew and knew his way around a kunai…"

Naruto was already leaping from his seat, "TEACH ME!" he screeched, startling Sprout, who was in the middle of directing a pair of blushing students.

As Naruto latched himself onto her dove gray robes, Severus loomed over Iruka to observe the spectacle, "You have an interesting way of… motivating the wretched vermin,"

Iruka smiled gently, waving at a few of his Hufflepuff students, "It's all about having a firm hand and a kind nature,"

Severus snorted.

"Of course, an in depth knowledge of their weaknesses is helpful as well,"

"Of course," echoed Severus. He wondered how such passive aggressive tactics would serve in his own classroom. It would not do to let the students believe that he had lost the title of Most Fearsome teacher after all.

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The day of the ball drew closer, Iruka watched in amusement as girls tittered behind their books and boys strutted about like roosters, or skulked about with clammy hands, depending on their nature. Naruto was innocently excited about the dance. He had practiced diligently after Iruka's pep talk, much to all the professors' amusement. After bearing witness to the elaborated lengths in which the blonde had gone to avoid the 'stupid swishing', this was a great turnabout indeed.

In fact, he might have gone overboard with his enthusiasm.

"How should I put this, ah, Mr. Iruka," Professor Sprout settled back anxiously in her chair after pouring their fourth cup of tea.

Iruka smiled pleasantly back, "Please, just Iruka would do,"

She had invited him for a 'cuppa' at one of the greenhouses that accommodated some very large flowers that emitted pleasant smells. Sprout was kind enough to show him some plants that Naruto had been taking care of, a good number of them looking strong and healthy, though not necessarily bigger than his friends'.

"W-well, Iruka," Sprout began, "the reason I asked you to meet me is because of, well,"

"Is it because of Naruto-kun?"

Sprout coughed into her hand, expression turning bright red, "Er, yes, how did you know?"

Iruka smiled, "I'm a teacher too, you know, I've lost count the number of times I sat in your position, trying to tell some parents what their children had done,"

The good professor breathed in deeply, and said something so quickly that Iruka had trouble catching.

"I'm sorry? Could you please repeat that?"

"Naruto had been turning into a girl for the dancing classes."

"…oh," Iruka took a sip of his tea, "Is he doing that again?"

"…again?"

Iruka placed the tea cup precisely on its little plate, stood up and bowed neatly at the other teacher. "Please excuse me; I need to go beat some sense into a stupid little brat,"

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He found several Narutos swirling and twirling happily in the empty classroom the Hufflepuffs used to practice their dancing. More than half of them were smaller version of the sexy jutsu, with clothes on, and were busy dancing with some of the boys and male Narutos.

The vein in his head bulged. Why oh, _why_ is it that Naruto insisted on turning into a female? Iruka had no prejudices against same sex relationships. It was difficult enough to have a stable friendship in a ninja village without being overly critical about the nature of a relationship. Plus, there were perverts of all kinds outside of a ninja village that were sometimes critical to a mission's success. It was often significant to know whether the target was a closet paedophile, voyeur and/or rapist in order to reap information from them or to eventually lead them to 'accidental' deaths that were often essential political manoeuvres.

In the back of his mind, the fox lore of how the kitsune enjoyed turning into women to lure men into misfortunes whispered dangerously. Iruka knew he was being less than rational, but he did not want to see evidence of the fox on Naruto. The whiskers itself were bad enough. He didn't want Naruto luring unwary men into trouble with his Sexy form. A female Naruto drifted past him, giggling, a hand latched onto his.

"Dance with us, Iruka-sensei," bright blue eyes sparkled mischievously.

Iruka tried to look stern, "Naruto-kun, why are you a girl?"

She pouted, "Cause Mindy say I was a shoe-vin-ist and don't know to treat a girl right and girls like guys who understand girls and it's not fair for guys to be in the lead all the time." She bounced from foot to foot, "and I really wanna be real good in dancing cause there will be people watching and I don't wanna look stupid and I dunno who to ask for the dance," blue eyes suddenly brightened, "Will you go with me, Iruka-sensei?"

"I… what?"

"Will you go to the ball dance with me?"

Iruka squeezed his eyes shut to stave off an impending headache, "Naruto, I'm given to understand that this is a ball is for students only,"

"B-but Iruka-sensei," she blubbered, "I don't know anyone here!"

"What about your little friends? Like Mindy?"

Naruto flicked desperate glances around before leaning forward to whisper, "She's scary…"

Scary? A little civilian girl? Iruka whipped his head up to get a better look at the crowd of students. None of the little girls looked particularly bloodthirsty. Perhaps Naruto had been over exaggerating?

One little girl, red pigtails and spotted face, marched towards them. "Narushto! I shaid we musht all danch together, what are you doing shlaking off?" she demanded.

"Ah, ahaha, Mindy-sama, please, practicing how to ask someone to the dance!" Naruto declared quickly.

"Idiot! A girl dosh not ashk a boy to dance, the boy musht ashk the girl, everyone knowsh that!" she turned to Iruka and said sweetly, "Pleash forgive our rudnesh shir, Narushto doesh not know better,"

Iruka…wasn't quite sure how to react to this. But Naruto's miserable look tugged at his heart strings, he had a mind to teach the nasty little civilian girl a lesson. Suddenly, it did not matter that Naruto had turned into a female, or that it was an unnatural habit on his part. This little, arrogant… _civilian_ had no right to dictate what a ninja could or could not do. If all the girls were this nasty, no wonder Naruto had rather ask his old sensei out than deal with them!

Instead of voicing out his angry thoughts, Iruka smiled nicely at the girl, "Well, I don't mind, we do things a little different where we came from, girls are actually more aggressive about asking boys out," he thought about the hundreds of rabid fangirls that had eventually drove many good looking men gay. Aggressive indeed.

"Really?" said Mindy, "but we do thingsh differently here, sho it should be done differently," she declared with all the authority of an eleven year old.

Iruka restrained the urge to whack her head. He'd already received a pile of letters of protestation for his wilful use of violence against young children. He changed the subject, "Your dances are very different from where Naruto and I came from. We have dances in groups or in single performers, not pairs, does it always have to be girls and boys together?"

"Of courst! This is call the waltsh," she poke female Naruto, "Go demonshtet with Greg,"

"No way, he steps on my toes, you dance with him," declared Naruto defiantly.

"Na-rush-to…"

But it seemed that Naruto's bout of obedience was over, and was steaming for a fight. Iruka hurriedly stall the impending confrontation, "Why don't I demonstrate a dance?"

That caught their attention, as well as those busy pretending to dance while eavesdropping.

"You dance?" was Naruto's unhelpful remark.

"Really?"

"Is it a girly dance?"

"Don't you need music?"

"Is it a manly dance?"

"Dances are stupid," declared one of the boys, and was promptly hit by Mindy.

"Why don't we all dance?" Iruka said loudly, "Now form a line,"

"Why?"

"Are we going to dance one by one?"

"I hate dancing,"

"Shut up, Shtupid,"

"No! You shut-"

"FORM A LINE," Iruka roared.

The students formed a line. Several Naruto and Naruko popped out of existence from the sheer force of his voice alone. The Hufflepuffs cowered anxiously among themselves as they were reminded why their seniors (and Naruto) feared the teacher so.

"Face me,"

The students turned from looking at the backs of their fellow students' head to face him. Iruka nodded, "Good," he formed a bunshin, identical to himself and transfigured a long wooded table ornament into a flute and handed it to his double. Music filled the air as he instructed the students on the finer points of the Bon Odori dance.

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X

X

X

X

**Omake 1**

They had just finished a rather gruelling meditation practice. Gruelling, because Iruka-sensei made them do it on top of the conical roofs of Hogwarts. The fear of sliding off the roofs should help them concentrate, according to the maliciously evil teacher, and concentrate they did. After that, he made them jump off the roof anyway.

There were many shrieks of NO! I REFUSE! HELP! which did little to elicit sympathy from Iruka.

"Naruto, demonstrate,"

"Yes, sensei!" Naruto saluted smartly, and leapt off the roof. There was a soft ploof that signalled his landing, but no one dared to peek over to see if he survived. The sensei did not seem worried, in fact, he looked impatient as he glared at the shivering lot.

"Well?"

Harry Potter, being the icon of recklessness and bravery, toed his way to the edge. The thirty foot drop seemed very far down without a broom between his legs. There was a shuffle crunch, and Draco Malfoy peered over the abyss beside him.

"…" he turned to Iruka, "With all due respect, sir, I think you're crazy and my father will _definitely_ hear about this,"

"Excellent," Iruka grabbed him by the scruff of his neck, "You get to go first," and tossed the teenager over with barely a twitch of muscle.

The very high pitch scream ran shivers down their backs, the group collectively took a step back. Not that it did them any good as Iruka systematically toss them overboard. They all landed on some rather excellent cushioning charms, shrieking and yelling in fear for their life and limbs but were all safe in the end.

Still!

X

X

**Omake 2**

Training with Iruka-sensei on oriental magic was tough, even more students had opted out of the game, among them Ronald Weasley and a good number of Hufflepuff students who found the foreign sensei's rather violent nature just a tad too disturbing. For those who had stuck on to the program, found themselves questioning their decision to do so every time the sensei introduces another harebrained 'training practice'. Like the swim in frozen water thing, the roof thing, and let's not forget that attack by rabid squirrel thing.

Still, horrifying ordeal or not, in typical student mindset, it was collectively agreed that Saturdays are still Saturdays. A special day meant for relaxing. And damn it, they would relax if it kills them. Considering that most of the oriental magic students spent half their Saturdays passed out in the lawn, the 'relaxing' part seemed almost inevitable sometimes.

As it was, today was meditation day, for which they spent most of the morning sitting still and focusing on their inner energy. They spent rest of the day after that relaxing. The group lolled about the grounds under some large trees, unmindful of the biting winds and chilling snow. After the dip in the icy pond and the stint at the shelterless rooftops, this was nothing. There were fifteen of them left in the group, two from Beaubaxton, six from Durmstrang and the rest of Hogwarts' contingent.

Naturally, for those who desired a little more special attention from their superiors, this was the time for some good old fashion brown nosing. And Draco Malfoy knew that a well time flattery worked wonders for one's social status.

"Sensei," he began.

"Mm? Yes, Draco-kun?" Iruka looked up from where he was sculpting some ice figures under Naruto and Hermione's directions.

Draco coughed, "I understand that you are from the Orient?"

Iruka made a face, "If you're asking if I'm from Asia…"

"Are you, sensei?" asked Hermione.

"I suppose…"

"I understand that all these terms you use are Japanese, sensei, kun, chan and your name as well, it means dolphin and sea right?" she continued, "I know a little Japanese, but it's mostly from movies like the Karate Kid, I know it's not the best references," she rushed quickly, "But I didn't get a real chance to learn any Asian languages, my mother knows French and dad knows a bit of Spanish, I only managed to learn a bit of Latin at school and French of course. I wanted to do Spanish but dad told me not to since it would mess up my learning French and-"

"No one wants to know about your brainy family, Mudblood," Draco snapped, earning gasps of horror from some passing purebloods.

"Oh, suck it up, Dandelion Head," Hermione snapped back without missing a beat.

The rest did not blink, name calling and verbal trashing were all Iruka-sensei approved. If you don't like it, beat up your opponent until he or she stops.

"As it happens, _I_ learned Latin practically from the cradle, mother taught me French herself and _I_ happen to know a good deal about the Orient, having visited the country in person," he smirked in a vastly superior way.

"So what?" Hermione demanded hotly, "You don't even know the name of the country, no one calls them the Orient anymore, or have your inbreeding genes retarded your brain?"

"Of course I bloody well know the name!" he hissed back, "It's called Japan, Jewel of the East, Land of the Rising Sun and," he smirked as two burly figures stride over from the direction of the castle carrying a largish case between them. "the originator of the incredibly delicious delicacy called Ramen,"

"Ramen?" Naruto perked up from his very important task of enlarging the breast of his snowgirl.

"Actually, ramen originated from China, it's actually an allomorph of the word _la mien_ which translates into 'pulled noodles'," she went on with her commentary as the boys, Crabbe and Goyle set the case down with a grunt. The box opened to reveal neatly stacked bowls steaming hot ramen, its warm delicious scent caused even Hermione's focus to peter out until she was busy sniffing the air with them.

Draco grinned, "Fresh ramen from the Land of the Rising Sun, I had it commissioned from the Masamura family, the international porting case is one of their signature services, never let it be said that the Japanese are ineffectual when it comes to customer service,"

Naruto's eyes sparkled. Actual tears ran in rivers down his face.

It was a very enjoyable Saturday afternoon.

**Just a little general knowledge.**

**Masamura is one of the famous families that made ramen in Japan. Just so everyone knows, ramen is NOT cheap food. Perhaps it's the exchange rate, but a bowl of mini ramen cost about 550 yen. Regular ramen could go up to 900 or 1500 yen depending on what you want in it. The package ramen cost about 265 yen in Japan. Instant ramen cost only about 22 yen in my country.**

**Oh, you could get fresh omakase sushi set at Tsukiji for about 1800 yen, 6 sushi and 1 roll.**

**To tell the truth, I'm a little stumped about what to write for Christmas. Perhaps some readers would like to make requests? Be my muse, and be amused yeah?**

**Review will make the author happy!**


	9. Chapter 8

**Sorry for the lateness in producing this work. It's not particularly long, but these past months had been really crazy. Hopefully my readers hadn't abandoned me…**

Christmas morning dawned bright and clear. Though, none of the dungeon occupants would know anything about that until they surfaced to ground level chaos. Iruka hummed to himself as he snuggled further into the sheets, winter was a wonderful season, provided one had plenty of warmth and excellent sheets to snuggle into. The only thing better then sheets, thought Iruka dreamily, was the heat of a living person next to him. Unfortunately, Severus was as stingy with his body heat as he was with his smiles. So Iruka was left with sheets, but oh! what excellent sheets they were. Iruka was in the midst of rubbing his face against the warm fabric when the door burst opened.

"Sensei! Sensei!" Naruto bounced in anxiously, "We've been invaded!"

Iruka rolled his eyes, giving his sheets a tearful kiss goodbye, "Naruto, we've talked about this, remember? It's Christmas morning, the house elves are the ones who invaded the room," at the blank stare from his favourite protégé Iruka strangled the urge to bash his face into something painful. "The Christmas presents," he explained tiredly, "Some odd holiday involving fat retired ninja and lots of presents, Severus mentioned this, remember? He didn't want us to stab the little helpers for disturbing us in the middle of the night,"

Dawn appear in those blank blue eyes. "Oh, yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I remember now!" he jumped onto Iruka's precious sheets, "Iruka-sensei! Get up! There are presents! Presents from the invaders!"

"Fine, fine," Iruka did not move from his sheets, "Why don't you wake Severus? I'm sure he doesn't want to miss Christmas…"

Naruto gave a horrified gasp, "Of course! We can't forget Poison-Sensei!" He bounded out to brave the Potions' Masters' trap/hex/powerful enchantment protected den.

Amidst screams of Professor-Snape-Sensei-Samaaaaaaa, Iruka snatched some last minute snuggle with his beloved sheets.

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Christmas, Professor Snape sneered, "Bah, humbug!"

"I'm sorry?" Iruka tilted his head enough to catch the other teacher in his vision, but his main focus remained on the partying students. One could never be too careful, the other teachers had impressed upon him to keep the food and drinks free of contamination. He took the job as a challenge to his ninja skills, teenagers with unknown magical abilities are hard to keep track. It would be good training. Ah, the things one would do when bored.

"Every year, every damn year, this happens, children stuffed with sweets, spotty teenagers courting under mounds of weeds…" on and on the muttering went.

Iruka made some small sounds of agreement, a brace of small hard candies left his hand in lightning speed to smash a suspicious looking bottle held between two terrified red heads.

"I swear, it gets more obnoxious each year," a flash of light from Severus' wand blasted some rose bushes apart, a pair of kissy teenagers ran screaming away.

"Un," Iruka closed one eye, aimed a marble size rock candy carefully and flicked his thumb with eerie accuracy. A 'stealthy' teenage boy leapt into the air with a scream, a bottle of some green liquid smashed to the floor as he clutched at his posterior.

"…there's nothing between their ears but lust and hormones, bloody dunderheaded fools,"

"I agree, this is fun," said Iruka as he readied more ammunition. Naruto had supplied him well, there were all kinds of sweets in this world, ranging from soft mushy jellies (good for tripping the unwary), hard gobstones (good for gagging or bashing of brains out), slender pen sized sugar quills (which he threw like senbons, impressing the bunch of civilians terribly), the currently popular miniature walking sticks called candy canes could be sharpened at one end and used like kunai to stab people (the hooked ends made good leverage).

Severus paused to watch as a Gryffindor tiptoed towards a particularly plump rose bush, a Ravenclaw girl was edging into said bush, throwing anxious looks over her shoulder. His lips curled, two minutes later there was an audible 'twang' followed by a high pitched scream. The two students shot out of the bush in different directions, the boy had a loop of string around his ankle with a tree branch attached to it. Well, it looked like his first trap went well, Iruka was right, this was fun.

"And therapeutic," startled black eyes met mischievous brown ones. "You can't honestly believe I'm this sane all the time without some form of… hobby, do you?"

Severus regarded his potions aide gravely, "You are perhaps, the singularly most incredible individual I have ever met." He paused to examine his statement, "and I meant that in an utterly platonic way of course,"

"Of course," Iruka echoed, "And you, Poison Master, is the least annoying person in the entire wizarding world,"

"…I'll take that as a compliment," he eyed another sneaking teenager, perusing his limited arsenal of 'permitted' curses.

But, before he could actually blast anything, a soft bell chimed. At Iruka's puzzled look, Severus explained, "Time for the Champions to start off the ball."

Iruka sighed, tucking the sugar quill away, "Well, time to see what Naruto's up to," at Severus' raised eyebrow, he sighed again, "The boy's been giving me his 'sniggering look', we might as well be prepared for anything,"

"Oh?"

"It never ceases to amaze me what bored ninjas would do," muttered Iruka, "And I worked at the Mission Office,"

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He really should have expected something like this. He had been Naruto's teacher for almost three years now, had been a prankster himself long before he cleaned up his act to become a staid, disciplined teacher. Anko never failed to tease him about being so uptight and boring after such a promising start. To which he would smile innocently at her and pretend not to understand her innuendos.

That was not to say he did not have the occasional urge to draw obscene letters on the hokage mountain or turn a so-called comrade's hair blue, he just had better restrain now. He had only given in to the urge once this pass year. And in his defence, Hatake Kakashi looked very nice with bright pink hair. Sakura certainly appreciated the sentiment.

Anyway, back to the scene at hand. Iruka watched the resulting disaster with a jaundice eye, he had expected the sudden increase of blonde dance partners, had anticipated the rising noise decibel and had even foresaw the nearly naked conga line of Sexy no jutsu.

What he had not expected was the adult version Sexy no Jutsu to purr an invitation for him to dance.

"But," Iruka hedged, "I don't know how,"

"Aww, Iruka-sensei," blonde eye lashes fluttered, "pretty please?"

"Naruto-kun, I'm sorry," he used his Stern Sensei voice, one that sent Hogwarts students screaming to the opposite direction, "I must decline,"

Plump lips pouted, "Mou, Iruka-sensei such a meanie," the large blue eyes redirected itself towards a more vulnerable target, "Please Sir, dance with me?" long lashes batted cutely at Headmaster Karkaroff,

The headmaster wavered under the assault, much to the amusement and slightly disapproving eyes of the staffs.

"Well…"

Music played in the background, it was a rather raunchy piece by the Weird Sisters.

"…I'm afraid I'll have to pass,"

"aww,"

"I could go with you," was Dumbledore's amused two cents.

The blonde practically flinched, "Eww, like, no way," she actually skipped back a few steps, right off the raised platform of the Head table.

There was a cute kyaa~ followed by a floomph of smoke where the kage bunshin burst from impact against the floors.

Iruka buried his face in his hands.

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Iruka watched as Naruto struggled with the list of new rules for the Third Task. The blonde would mouth the words to himself, squinted painfully into his thinking face and repeated the procedure. He did this over and over again. Iruka waited, he had some idea of the content of course, having skimmed through it to catch some words he knew and guessing the rest.

"Ne, ne, Iruka-sensei," Naruto pouted, "It looks like, I dunno, like they really indessimate against my skills,"

"Discriminate, Naruto-kun," said Iruka, he absently pluck the very, very long list of 'rules' from Naruto's unresisting hands, "and yes, I believe you're right,"

Hidden among general rules such as:

NO CHEATING

NO INGESTION OF ENHANCEMENT POTIONS

NO ILLEGAL SPELLS

NO DARK SPELLS

-were suspicious looking rules that declared:

THE USE OF DOUBLES, DOPPLEGANGGERS AND CLONES SHALL RESULT IN IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION

OVERUSE OF PHYSICAL OVER MAGICAL SKILLS SHALL RESULT IN IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION

PERSON(S) THAT AVAIL THEMSELVES TO THE WALLS OF THE MAZE AS PAVEMENTS SHALL RESULT IN IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION

-and so forth and such.

"…"

"…"

Iruka and Naruto shared a significant look over the list.

"Naruto-kun, how are your spell casting?"

"…dunno Iruka-sensei," Naruto's tone took on a sarcastic colour, "how are yours?"

Iruka sighed.

"NARUTO!" a very familiar voice bellowed.

Iruka quirked an eyebrow, "I wonder what Draco-kun wants,"

"NARU- oh, there you are, good morning, Iruka-sensei," Draco performed a perfect half-bow at the sensei before turning to Naruto, "You!" he demanded, "How's your spell work?"

"Er-"

The blonde aristocrat smacked himself in the face, "I knew it," he mumbled something unsavoury under his breath, "Come along," he grabbed Naruto by the sleeves, "You are getting the best Slytherin has to offer in terms of cursing, hexing and casting," he paused to half bow again at the very amused Iruka, "Please excuse us, Sensei,"

"You are excused," he positively beamed as Naruto skipped next to Draco, eager to learn how to cause damage with his magic stick.

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The following week, much to Iruka's amusement, saw the entire Slytherin contingen fairly bristling with paraphernalia supporting Naruto of Konoha. Their main theme was… orange. Orange buttons adorned with burnt orange writings, _Konoha Kicks Ass_, orange banners proclaiming Konoha seating area were produced. Someone, presumably Draco, had even written a haiku proclaiming Naruto's upcoming victory.

Orange is our champion

Who sneaks in trees

Crush foes in his paws

Iruka didn't have the heart to correct his 'haiku' too much.

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Incidentally, all four Champions were members of the Oriental Magic study group. Naruto was the first one into the maze, where he spent most of his time running away from Blast-Ended-Skrewts, boggarts and other assorted obstacles. His wand work took too much concentration time for split second decision making. Krum went next, followed by Fleur who took on the challenges in a more professional way. Harry Potter's suspiciously smooth passage through the maze was broken only by the riddle bearing Sphinx.

All four arrived at the little clearing almost at the same time.

There was a moment of hesitation when plans, tactics and observations raced through the minds of all Champions. It lasted only a moment. Suddenly, as though spurred on by an invisible signal, the Champions of Beaubaxton, Durmstrang and Hogwarts turned and attack Konoha's representative. Under the orange banner, Draco Malfoy screamed foul against the blatantly unfair fight.

To curious outsiders who had only appeared for the Championship for the first time, it resembled a survival of the fittest fight where the strongest instinctively ganged up against the weak. (These poor fools only saw a tiny blonde kid running away from things) Those who had the privilege, however briefly, of joining the OM study group noted the sound strategy of a multi-facet fight against a significantly more powerful opponent. It was the only tactic that makes sense, temporary alliances amongst enemies formed to take down a major chess piece.

Undaunted, Naruto _grinned_, and fought back.

He ducked under Krum's red Stunning spell, flipped over Fleur's Bludgeoning hex, kicked dirt at Harry Potter's directions and sent his own spell at Krum and Fleur's direction. Three months ago, in fact, just 3 weeks ago he might have hit them with the wildly out of control light, but both Fleur and Krum had been training their own ability to dodge. Fleur seemed to float as she side flipped from the wobbly purple spell. Krum executed a powerful kick to propel himself into the air, away from any incoming light. Bad mistake. Harry Potter grabbed the opportunity to take out the opponent by casting a Stunning spell and a cushioning spell at Krum while he was in mid air. Training with the Sensei had made Harry more vicious and less incline to think twice about snatching opportunities that came his way. Naruto was not above whimpering and attacking people with the Puppy Eye look to get to the top as Harry had found the hard way.

Fleur landed beside Harry with a light step, both had their wands out and trained at Naruto, who eeped and scrambled for a hiding place. The temporarily allied partners work in sync with each other. Fleur cast high with her height advantage while Harry slashed low with Cutting Hex. It was a truly wondrous sight to behold as the two dealt out their hexes at a busily dodging Naruto. Merciless and fast, they worked beautifully together. Both knew that under normal circumstances, they would not have stood any chance against Naruto, but with a good number of his ability rendered unusable by the latest 'Rules', they could fight back using their strongest advantage against his weakest ability.

On the crowded spectator stand, Draco was screaming himself hoarse against the injustice against Naruto. Undaunted by his protégé's safety or well being, Iruka calmly instigates a betting pool among the adults. Previously, the bets had been a little split, Naruto's high score against the rest of the Champions made betters wary about going against him. Now though, seeing the little blonde being ganged up against, there were a slew of bets going for both Harry Potter and Fleur Delacour. Snape, of course, did not bet. He was a man above such petty deals.

"There's a one thousand to one odd for a tie between Hogwarts and Konoha's representative," Iruka murmured as he made himself comfortable on the hard seats.

"Oh?" Severus feigned disinterest.

"Care to place a bet?"

Severus studied the angelic countenance of the sensei. He did not trust it one bit.

"Place me for a tie between Hogwarts and Konoha,"

Iruka's smile widen to pleasant proportions, "Done,"

He was a man above such petty deals, but never let it be said that Severus Snape ever turns down a sure thing. Umino Iruka was sure to have taught Naruto how to hustle. Sure enough, within minutes of placing the bet, Fleur Delacour was taken out spectacularly by a spell from a fumbling Naruto. Harry, seeing his chance at the cup dashed towards the prize. Naruto did not even bother to run after him, instead, he back flipped in an arch so high that he actually sailed over Harry's running figure. Harry increased his momentum with a flying tackle just as Naruto's fingers touched the cup. Both boys disappeared with the cup at the same time.


	10. Chapter 9

"Kill the spare,"

The voiced hissed into Harry's very soul. His head was woozy. His stomach was doing a belly dance all by itself. But he had been in worse shape before and he was now in his prime for the Triwizard's Competition. So when Naruto's yelp of surprise and a crash happened somewhere to his right, Harry dove blindly for his left. He crashed under some brushes (good), more yelps from Naruto (very good), glimpse of green light (very, very bad), the hard point of his wand poking his dancing stomach (excellent). Feeling better armed, Harry immediately focused on the situation at hand.

Through skewed glasses, Harry peered at the originator of the flashing lights ignoring the noisy chaos (identified as Naruto). At first, he thought a fat short man, Peter Pettigrew, was the person cursing Naruto, but then he noticed the man held his arms too close to the body for effective spell duelling. It was not extended as it should be for maximum mobility of wand movement.

_When in doubt, be suspicious._

Iruka-sensei's training had covered more than just chakra training, he had taught them how to think under stressful situations. Naturally, Naruto was the star of that lesson. He fought even better with all of them team up against him, Iruka-sensei included. A little rite of passage all of the OM students went through to become part of the 'real' Oriental Magic training. He had been proud to be first one tested, not so happy when Iruka-sensei denounced him the first failure and shunted him back to basic tactics training. He was more than annoyed when, Draco Malfoy of all people, became first student to past that ridiculous test. Of course, the Slytherin was a sneaky little pest, which was why Iruka-sensei passed him even though most of his tricks failed, well, some of them. Okay, so all of them worked and Harry was being a sour grape because he was caught in one of them at a crucial moment. Hermione was the next one to pass once she got over her inhibition to 'hurt' or 'cheat'.

Back to the matter at hand, Harry fought down the urge to charge in yelling murder. That habit had been beaten out of him almost literally. Corporal punishment had been outlawed at Hogwarts for over a hundred years. Something that Iruka-sensei obviously did not get the memo plane for. Think rational, thing sneaky, think Draco Malfoy who had passed with the highest marks at Sneakiness Training. One that even Naruto failed at once (Draco, the Sneaky little Git had lured him out with a ramen scented rubber ball). The git had never let anyone forget it. Anyway, Pettigrew looked like he was carrying something, and whatever it was that thing was now cursing Naruto verbally and literally.

A flashback of Iruka-sensei's evil rabid squirrels suddenly ran across his mind, wincing, Harry clenched his teeth against a full body shudder from the memory. Just the thought of those overly intelligent rats made Harry even more cautious. The thought of spell casting squirrels actually made him wished he hadn't bothered to get up that morning. With his luck, Pettigrew was probably carrying a deformed version of the Dark Lord.

"Where is that Potter boy? Wormtail!" the bundle screeched.

Harry blanched, oh surely not…

"Na na na na na na!" Sang Naruto's kage bunshin, at least Harry thought it was a kage bunshin, surely the blonde was not so stupid or crazy as to use his real self to dance in front of what could only be a deformed sized Voldermort, right? Right?

"Nee hee hee hee!" Naruto stuck his tongue out, waving his bum in a taunting manner at Wormtail.

Never mind, Harry need to find a way to get out of here, he needed to-

_Masssster, the boy isss here…_

Harry stiffened, a snake! Carefully, he scanned his surroundings, a dry scrape of _something_ against the rocks made him glance to the left. To find a really big snake reared back, mouth opened, in preparation to strike.

_Uh oh_

With impeccable timing, Harry darted out of the way of the strike. Only to end up in the open. Blast. Iruka-sensei would have zapped his bum for that stupid move. Sure enough, Wormtail whirled at his direction, the deformed bundle of joy in his arms sneered at Harry, "_Nagini, attack the Potter Boy,_" it hissed.

Harry scrambled out of the way of the snake, presumably Nagini, and was gratified to see a short knife whizz passed him. It bounced off the snake harmlessly. Harry looked up to see a mortified and white faced Naruto.

"Wah ha ha ha! Fear my wrath, little foreign wizard!" the swaddled Dark Lordling snickered.

"Er?" Naruto looked, of all things, embarrassed. Not an expression that Harry associated with death and danger.

"What?"

At Harry's incredulous look, the blonde hurried to explain, "Rule 2301," when Harry still looked puzzled he flipped a rather thick book and showed the appropriate page to Harry.

Rule 2301 - USE OF THROWING KNIVES IN BATTLE WILL RESULT IN IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION.

Harry resisted the urge to smack himself in the head. He really did. Nevertheless, it would perhaps be in their best interest if he were to explain their current position to the little blonde. He also took the time to curse the rule makers of this stupid competition.

"Naruto, we are no longer in the competition now. We are in danger. We are to use any and all kinds of powers and tricks to get away." He revised his message in his head, there, short and to the point.

Nagini struck again. Harry was saved from being bitten courtesy of a rock, a rock thrown by Naruto to be precise. Nagini chomped on the rock like a piece of cheese.

"_Avada kedavra!_"

The green light was really scary, really. But it was damned funny to see Naruto throw another rock in the path of the curse, causing the massive amount of debris, but no other damages. Wow, why had no one thought to use solid matter to stop curses anyway? Hermione would have kittens when she hears about this. She and Draco had developed a strange kind of rivalry between themselves. Her near perfect recall memory and research skill versus Malfoy hired tutors and fortune, backed by years of traditional knowledge. All Ravenclaws had wept and cursed at their existence. Anyway, back to the curse...

When Iruka-sensei first heard about this 'unstoppable curse' he had been curious about it.

_000_

"The _Avada kedavra_?" The sensei raised a dark eyebrow, "What does it do?"

"It's really terrible," someone said in a harsh whisper, "So terrible that no one speaks of it,"

"Uh huh," the sensei remained sceptical while Naruto's blue eyes grew bigger and bigger as the hushed whispers grew along with it.

"Professor Moody showed it to us," said Hannah Abbot, who had remained with them in that first ten weeks of 'lessons' (or training as Iruka-sensei called it).

"Well,_ I_ think it's very irresponsible for a professor to demonstrate such a terrible spell in front of impressionable students," Hermione harrumphed.

Harry hadn't thought so. He'd believed that it was important for him to know the spell that had killed his parents and to know the spell means.

"How did the professor demonstrate this… spell?" Iruka-sensei wanted to know.

"He killed a s-spider with it," Ron volunteer.

At this, the Oriental Magic professor gave them a bland look. So bland it was positively tasteless, kind of like that divination professor's fashion sense. "A spider," he stated, blandly.

Ron nodded frantically. There was a contemplative on the sensei's face, one that Harry would looked back to when Ron finally quitted the OM study group after a 'genjutsu resistance' training. The poor boy had developed a permanent twitch whenever Iruka-sensei is within hearing or seeing range.

Nevertheless, the OM professor remained unimpressed by the wizarding world's most feared spell.

"But, what does it _do_?" he said, half exasperated, scratching his pony tail.

All eyes were on him, half horrified, half disdainful.

Finally, Hermione answered, "It k-kills people,"

"Right," the sensei waited for her to continue, even Naruto had his huge eyes on her. Both waiting, expectant.

"Sensei, it _kills_ people," Ron reiterated, just in case the professor didn't get it the first time.

"I heard you, so? Lots of things kill people,"

"It, well, it's unstoppable," Hermione tried.

"Go on," he urged a little impatiently.

The wizards and witches exchange helpless glances. How else to describe this terrible, unstoppable spell?

"It breaks through any magical barrier, goes through any kind of defensive spell," Draco Malfoy, "It's considered one of the three Unforgivables,"

"Death Eaters and the Dark Lord use it," was Harry's helpful contribution.

Instead of looking impressed, Iruka-sensei merely looked bored. "So it kills people, is that it?"

There was an instant chorus of protest and horror.

"What! How could you-"

"It's the most horrible-"

"Only the most _evil_ people would-"

"It's a Dark Spell, the _darkest_-"

Iruka-sensei was not impressed by their outburst. He picked his ear casually while the children ranted. Even Naruto looked bored, he was now devoting his attention to tracking a small snail that changes colour according to its surroundings. Once the voices died down a little, Iruka showed them a small tooth pick he plucked from his hair.

"See this? Can anyone tell me what this is?"

Hermione's hand shot up, "It's a toothpick, sir,"

"Mm, good, now let me tell you something, I can kill a fully grown man in five different ways with this toothpick," he let them eye the flimsy little wood, scepticism clear in their eyes. There was a little fear too, from those who had been fully converted to believe whatever nonsense spewed from Iruka's mouth. There were a growing number of those, a typical product of the sheep mentality inbred to those with magic.

Draco Malfoy was the first to demonstrate his bravado, "So? Are you going to show us, _professor_?" He was still in the disrespectful rebellious phase at that time.

Casually, Iruka stuck the toothpick into his mouth. He rolled the toothpick about for a few seconds, eyes contemplating the sky. Looking for all the world like a casual loafer without a care in world. Then he suddenly turned and spat the toothpick out.

There was a squeal of some hapless animal. A small rabbit was struck, some fifty meters away where they had felt safe enough to venture and investigate human activity. The toothpick was lodged into its left eye, striking right into its brain. The poor animal twitched and squirmed, bleeding and squealing.

The girls gave a horrified shriek, some went white with fear. The silence was palpable but for the screams of a dying animal.

"Snap its neck, Naruto-kun," Iruka's voice was casual, "Put it out of misery." He smiled brightly at his white faced students, "Shall we commence with today's lesson?"

More than half dropped out that day.

_000_

Harry had been surprised when Hermione continued to cling stubbornly to the OM classes after that, working even harder than before. Harry wasn't sure, but the very next day, Iruka-sensei promptly set the two of his smartest students to unravel the Killing Curse. Claiming that there was no such thing as a perfect defence, or indeed a perfectly unstoppable weapon, they were to seek out the weaknesses of the Killing Curse and if possible, find its counter curse.

Harry was amused to think that Naruto may have just found it in the shape of fist size rocks.

Harry's musings were disrupted by a particularly strong Blasting Curse on the tombstone they were hiding behind. The stone artefact shattered, sending dangerous shrapnel everywhere. Harry did a tuck and roll move copied off Draco Malfoy, the git was the best in dodging too, second only to the incredible Naruto. There was a dull clang, followed by a very loud scream. Out of morbid curiosity, Harry stuck half his head out of the thorny bush he had been hiding behind and saw a really big cauldron wobbling dangerously on its perch.

"Wormtail! Call my Death Eaters! Destroy this- this Orange Menace! Kill him! Spill his blood! Destroy it!" the Dark Lord howled.

"Y-yesh, m-mashter," the poor man stuttered.

This was alarming news. Naruto understood enough to share a worried glance with Harry. More enemies? Well, Naruto could even out the score easily with his shadow clones, all Harry had to do was to convince him to deploy them despite his sudden (not to mention undesireable) urge to obey the rules. The Slytherins must have done a great deal of conditioning with Naruto to help him keep track of all the extra 'Rules' written especially for Naruto in this Third Task. If Harry hadn't thought the Wizarding government foolish already, this would have cinched it.

Several cracks of Apparation quickly filled the air. Hooded figures in bone masks apparated in, eliciting a girlish scream from Naruto.

"Eeek! Anbu!"

Now, Harry did not know what an Anbu was, but he did knew when opportunity knocks at his door.

"Oh! Er, we're in trouble now, um, let's get out of here, Naruto!" Harry recited awkwardly, "before we're, um, captured, yeah,"

"Harry! Bad danger!" Naruto exclaimed anxiously, "I break rule, Iruka-sensei be so mad," that last part was muttered under his breath.

Harry couldn't care less, he was never happier when Naruto jammed his fingers into that all too familiar hand sign and called in a legion of orangeness. The tide of battle soon turned to their favour. Various Narutos pulled faces, danced cheekily in front of wildly careering spells and clung onto the legs of the Death Eaters. In all the chaos present, Harry noted that one Death Eater had placed himself into a strategically out of the way area and only zapped a Naruto when one came too close.

"Get the Potter Boy!" the dark lordling screeched, "leave the Menace!"

Oops, of course, in this sea of fakes, Harry was the only one person. As one the terribly angry Death Eaters turned on him. Harry gulped and readied his wand, this was... relatively scary. He could only hope that Naruto would...

"Kage bunshin no jutsu! Henge!"

...come through. Oh, wow, it was awfully strange to see so many of himself. What's even more terrible was seeing some of 'himself' pulled faces, slapped their own arses and doing all kinds of general mayhem to irritate the Death Eaters. One Harry had squished up his face with his hands until his mouth resembles an octopus' beak and was blowing a raspberry at Voldermote baby. Resisting the urge to snort with hysterical laughter, Harry tried to focus on getting out when something went crashing somewhere to his left. Risking a look, Harry was both fascinated and a little horrified to see that someone had accidentally tipped the giant cauldron over.

A reflexive cringed, brought on by years of being with Professor Snape in potions, made him duck his head. Just in time too as a brightly clad Naruto went sailing pass his head and smashed against a stone wall. There was a series of poofs as all the Kage Bunshin blew up at their original's head damage. Damn! Time to leave. Shuffling under the cover of the conveniently widespread white smoke, Harry tried to peer for a way out, his pounding heart and sweaty hands not helping the situation at all.

The smoke soon dissipated enough that he could see the area where the cauldron had been accidentally upended. The spillage was bright green and was currently melting Pettigrew from leg up. It was like watching one of those B grade horror movies Dudley had been addicted to at one time. The ratty little man was turning to a pool of red sludge, still gripping a screaming baby Voldemort in his arms. Two enemies accounted for, Harry scanned the area warily for the others. It was then he saw Nagini turning into a pool of purple sludge from the outermost bit of the green potion.

Next to her head was the Goblet.

The Goblet, the stupid cursed thing that had to be a portkey, perfect. Naruto groaned from somewhere behind him. Harry reacted with lightning quick reflexes. A well timed skip brought him close enough to grab the blonde's foot. A sharp whipping motion brought his wand to play.

"Accio Cup!"

As they disappeared, it occurred to Harry that was the first chance he had had to use his wand at all during the fight.

####

**Dun dun dun!**

**Sorry for the late update, I was knee deep in little kids and that really saps one's energy. Also, I've been jumped on by all kinds of plot bunnies thus have several stories in the cooker to deal with. Hope you like the world as seen by Harry Potter!**

**Love**

**KT**

**PS: **_**Kill the spare!**_

**Whoo I just managed to begin and end the story just like JK Rowling! ^^**


	11. Chapter 10

Hello and Merry Christmas to all my readers!

Sorry for the long wait, hope this chapter is worth it. For your information, this chapter would conclude the first part of Iruka at Hogwarts. Part two will see a darker, more serious side of the story. If there are any funnies at all, it'll probably be macabre.

Lots of love from KT-chan! ^^

000000

Harry and Naruto managed to portkey back without further incident, only to suffer through a half an hour of screaming from Iruka-sensei in three different languages. Harry swore the man did not even pause to take a breath. Finally, Iruka had to stop and sip a glass of water provided by a very pleased Snape. When the glass was set down Iruka advanced with ominious purpose. Harry cringed reflexively. He was prepared to be belted, hit or otherwise damaged by their OM professor. The man was a believer of corporal punishment after all, and had more Howls from parents screeching about his 'duty to his students'.

Harry was therefore very surprised and quite disturbed when he was squashed into a very tearful, very powerful embrace. It was like being hugged by Molly Weasley, only worse. The sensei didn't even have a uterus Harry could put the blame on.

Weren't Asians supposed to be more stoic than this?

As for Naruto, well, the boy lacked the typical 'eww, like don't embarrass me in front of my friends' gut reaction against adult PDA. The blonde actually threw his arms around Iruka-sensei's waist. Babbling on and on about something or other in his native language. Iruka had patted him on the head, set him next to Harry and then started the yelling again. Harry was still reeling from the 'hug' from Iruka-sensei when he noticed Mad-Eye Moody beckoning him over. Eager for a reason to escape the emotionally spastic sensei, he hurried over to the DADA professor.

000000

Iruka massaged his brow. He was used to dealing with series of garbled explanations in his line of work. It was a specially developed skill. He is a teacher of small children and a desk ninja at the Mission Room after all, and someone had to decipher all that into coherent data for grading or filing. He's a ninja, he had seen monsters, demons, devils in disguise, men dressed up as women, Kotetsu deliberately inhale cheese through his nose and Orochimaru's underwear (The last part was through Anko's machinations, he'd pestered a Yamanaka for days for a memory jutsu just to get rid of _that_ horrifying view).

However, he'd yet to witness such confusion mix of incompetence, blustery and beaming twinkly eyes. Although that there was that one time in Wave country where someone actually mistaken Iruka for the Daimyo's son... He was immediately slotted in as the said son's double for his various amorous escapades. The mission was labelled PA for Perfect Alibis. It was one of the more... interesting assignment he'd ever gotten. One that landed him with a boatful of gossip which Sandaime had awarded him a good A rank pay for a simple C rank mission.

Ah, those were the days.

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on one's outlook, palace life had reduced the once good looking man to obesity and thinning hair. There was very little that would suggest that both men had once looked very alike, five years ago.

Running blunt fingers through his dark tresses, worn loose like Severus, Iruka thought about the amazing incompetence of these magical people and their incredible ability to find useless sparkly ways to waste their magic. Honestly, for all the spells created to float, fly and do various useless things only one spell specifically created to kill? When Iruka noticed Mad Eye Moody wave Harry Potter over, he had not thought much of it. Iruka had no quarrel with the old war horse, the man was annoyingly curious about his world and arsenal of jutsu, but Iruka was able to deflect his questions with the same babble of nonsense he gave to the Oriental class. It was only when Moody began hustle Harry out of sight that Iruka felt something amiss. That, and the tale-tell creep of dread up his back that signalled a hidden killing intent.

Swiftly, smoothly he snapped his attention to Naruto who was also looking in the direction where Harry had disappeared with Moody. There was a constipated look on his face that signified heavy thinking. The boy knew enough to be uneasy but was unable to pin point the source due to inexperience. Smiling, Iruka started off after the two, "Come, let us see what Moody wishes to say to Harry that could not be said here,"

Severus was immediately alert, the twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes doubled, McGonagal was a little confused, but instinct warned her that something was wrong. Being the Head of House for small, rambunctious children had honed her alertness to phenomenal level, though not the battle ready, paranoid type that signified Iruka and Severus' ability.

They trailed the two at a careful distance, with Dumbledore making the odd inane remark and Naruto's babbling to provide white noise and cover for their real purpose. Fortunately, Severus' glower was able to deter most of the zealous reporters hurrying over to interview 'the Co-Champion of the Tri-Wizard's Cup'.

"Helloo~~! Excuse me, excuse me!"

Most being the operative word here.

As the shrill and terribly familiar voice yelled after them, Iruka hid a grin at Severus' grimace. It was the reporter lady with the most godawful fashion sense. At a discreet signal, Naruto formed a clone at the next turn and had it running interference for them.

"Hiya, hiya! Reporter Lady!" the clone crowed, hopping towards her in blindingly orange robes. People who happened to look their way had to avert their gaze or at least shield their eyes from the combination of clashing colours. The threat of red and yellow hair on top of magenta and orange robes was enough to drive even Hermione to sneer.

"Oooh, Narutoh dahling," Rita, Iruka recalled her name, crooned, "how's my favourite champion?"

"We're totally awesome! Didja see? Didja see?" Naruto-clone bounced around, leading her away from the group that were currently hurrying yet trying not to look like they're hurrying towards Moody's rooms.

For some strange reason, possibly due to their similar taste in fashion, (Iruka had some suspicion about the origin of Naruto's horrible orange robe spell.) Naruto and the reporter woman had hit off almost immediately. A fact which annoyed Harry Potter a lot, understandable since Rita likes to slander him in her articles. In Iruka's humble opinion, that Harry Potter brat brought a lot of the grief upon himself. The brat was moody and tended to scowl at every question as though he had something to hide. It was these types of habits that made reporter sharks think there's blood in the water and went after him relentlessly.

In contrast, Naruto babbled and answer just about every question Rita has. Even tough questions like where did they come from, who his parents were and what's the real story behind the OM classes did not faze him. A typical Naruto interview might go like this:

"_Hmm, let's start with your name, shall we?"_

"_Yeah, yeah! My name is Uzumaki Naruto dattebayo! I like orange and Sakura-chan and ramen and Severus Snape-sensei and Iruka-sensei is awesome and want to someday be just like him!"_

"_Ah, yes," in the background, the magical quill scratched quickly, "Where did you and your sensei come from?" sly voice, "there had been many stories, if you could confirm some-"_

"_Yosh! Iruka-sensei and me from village of the Leaf dattebayou! It is awesome village with really huge face on mountains call hokage!" he had one foot on the table by this time, "One day I have face on mountain, I be most greatest hokage dattebayo!"_

"_How interesting, er, does the word 'hokage' means royalty? Are you a young prince perhaps?"_

"_Um, what's this word 'prince'?"_

"_It means royalty, it means people treat you especially well, and give you things,"_

"_I not bastard like stupid Sasuke!"_

"_I... see," busy scribbling paused, "er, well, what is your childhood like?"_

_Naruto squints at this, "Eh? I has school and is bad, so I skipped dattebayo! So I learn jutsu and make different jutsu from school and like you wanna see?"_

_Excited, but trying to hide, "Oh, if it isn't too much trouble..."_

"_Hahah! Witness my awesome jutsu. Sexy-"_

And thus, a typical Naruto interview ended in bloodshed.

Of course, Naruto was truly honest about the things he said, people just assumed he lied. Only Rita managed to avoid the typical end of a Naruto Interview. So far. Her Naruto articles usually contain a lot of cooing nonsense about Naruto's supposed origin being bandied about, ranging from runaway prince from various countries to illegitimate love child of some famous witch and wizard. Oddly enough, Iruka was always featured as that 'faithful friend and servant' of the brave little unfortunate.

Nevertheless, now is not the time to dwell on such matters. So, Iruka made a mental note to himself to plan some kind of prank on the woman.

They proceeded to Moody's office without further interruption. Well, there was that pack of reporters and photographers that tried to catch a glimpse of the First Year Champion. Fortunately the orange Konoha contingent, lead by Draco Malfoy, was there to intercept the vultures at Iruka's signal. While it was unprofessional of Iruka to have favourites, he did show special attention to Naruto after all, it somehow always happened. He tried not to think about how both his favourites were loudmouth blondes with more guts than brains and how it spoke a lot about his own character.

Then again, for all his mouthy habits, Draco could be incredibly subtle whenever he wanted to be. Honestly, if it had been that famous Harry Potter, the boy would probably tried to charge towards the enemy in front of Iruka and making a nuisance of himself. For all the vaunted Boy-Who-Lived nonsense, Iruka saw very little of that Saviour in the Making innate ability. To Iruka, he was just another bratty little civilian pretending to be a shinobi.

Iruka could still remember their first encounter, sort of, well, maybe it had been clouded by Severus' mutterings at that time...

"_See," a woman in colourful rags whispered, "that's _him_!"_

_Iruka blinked, who?_

_Seeing Iruka's puzzled look, she gestured wildly with her spoon, "the boy, the boy in the prophecy!"_

"_Uh huh," Iruka made a mental note to exchange seats with Severus the next time they dine on this raised platform. Fortunately he was only a chuunin and not a crazy ass paranoid jounin who would probably tried to beg off eating at the table or replace himself with a kage bunshin and living off ration bars and wild rabbits. Really, the raised platform gave off a rather loud message of 'Target here! Kill!' Funny why a lot of nobles prefer this sort of eating arrangements, perhaps Iruka shouldn't complain since the raised platform does help a shinobi when one has been given a job of identifying and assassinating the Big Boss. They, the Big Boss, usually sat themselves smack in the middle of a raised platform. In this case, the Big Boss would be Dumbledore. Iruka entertained various scenarios where a kunai could come from and pierce the meddling old man's vital parts._

"_It's Harry! Harry Potter!"_

"_How nice," Iruka nodded distractedly. Perhaps the boy was her nephew? Was that why she was so excited? One could never tell. Oh, and those flickering shadows made by thousands of candles would make it easy even for a genin to ambush a target._

"_Good gracious, the child is thin!" this time, the comment was made by McGonagal._

_Being thin would be good too, Iruka sometimes thought of the Akimichi clan in despair when it comes to sneaking around. The amount of bulk to hide..._

"_And brown," mused the tiny old man, Flitwick. Iruka and Naruto had tutored under him for two weeks, a crash course in floating things and casting permanent henge on items. It had been a lot of fun. Iruka knew the rudiments of genjutsu of course, but he'd never thought about casting it on items before. The ability to exert one's will on stationary objects was pretty useful, thought Iruka a little begrudgingly. Almost as useful as potions that could regrow bones._

"_I swear, if his guardians had been working him to the bone again..."_

"_Hardly," Severus' bored silky drawl interrupted, "the boy looks as if he'd been rolling about the soil, and a little hard work never hurts anybody,"_

_Privately, Iruka agreed._

"_Severus," McGonagal obviously did not. The tension was strong in her voice._

"_The Potter boy does look a little scrawny," the man with one brown eye, one red spinning eye and one leg commented, "hardly looks as if he could defeat a Grindylow, much less a Dark Lord,"_

_Iruka finally had had enough, he could distract himself with his own thoughts only as much! "Excuse me, but might I please know, who are you speaking about?"_

_For a moment, they all stare blankly at him. The big hairy man who lived in a little house close to the pond had his mouth opened, letting everyone view the half chewed potatoes inside. Eww._

_Then Dumbledore began to chuckle._

"_Ah, of course, I had forgotten," he nodded to the colourful rags lady and the fruity eyed old man, "Iruka-sensei have not yet the pleasure of hearing about Harry there,"_

"_Nevah heard!" the giant hairy man roared, "Nevah HEARD!"_

_To Iruka's credit, his smile never wavered. In the course of his ninja career, he had the dubious pleasure of meeting all kinds of people. Generally speaking, the bigger (and hairier) the opponent, the least likely it was for the said enemy to pose any problems, for shinobi that is. It's the slim, almost feminine looking ones to watch out for. Iruka himself was quite muscular and could pass as a hired thug (or a school teacher) if he wanted to thus usually rates as 'average' on the ninja danger scale. Kakashi's wispy hair and thin body packed more than enough chakra and power in one arm compared to Iruka's whole body. Life's like that._

_By now, they have drawn the attention of the students, as well as other teachers who had been minding their own business. Finally, McGonagal took pity on him._

"_It's that boy over there," she nodded at the table decorated in red and gold, "dark hair, green eyes, next to the red head, look, he's sitting down now,"_

_Iruka examine the boy with a critical eye. Well, he did looked a little thin and underfed. The green eyes were quite brilliant, despite being hidden behind those pokey looking glasses._

"_It's the Boy Who Lived!"the woman in colourful rags hissed._

_For a moment Iruka looked blankly at her., "I didn't realised you get that many deceased students here,"_

_On Iruka's other side, Severus Snape nearly choked on his potatoes._

Even as they approached the doors of Moody's office, Iruka made time to roll his eyes at the memory. Honestly, 'The Boy Who Lived'? Couldn't they give a more respectable moniker like 'The Survivor' or at least 'The Last Potter'?

Iruka was still contemplating the mysteries of Harry Potter's silly title when Dumbledore readied his wand. Iruka snagged Naruto's collar to prevent him from charging in first. The one good thing about having Harry Potter in his class, in Iruka's humble opinion, was the opportunity to demonstrate in various ways how not to attack. Of course, sometimes charging in headlong may be the best option available, when you are outnumbered and have the advantage of surprise, or when you have nothing to lose. However, more often than not, frontal attacks were voided by the fact that the enemy already knew about it and were able to plan for it. Also, it helps Iruka to highlight the kind of thinking he wanted Naruto not to have when it comes to tactics. That Draco Malfoy has a naturally sneaky mindset made for a tactics haven. The fact that both blondes got along famously helps out a lot as well.

Iruka had a suspicion that the reason why Draco tried to get in good with Naruto was that, along with some of the more deluded members of the magical public, he believed that Naruto was of royal descent. Something that Iruka neither confirm nor deny when questioned. Only giving a nervous, blushing look in reply which further fuelled the rumour mills spectacularly.

Keeping to the back of the group, Iruka readied a sharpened sugar quill. The relatively tall headmaster made for a very nice meat shield against unknown magical attacks. While these people were civilians to Iruka, they were_ magical_ and _potentially insane_ civilians, including those so called Death Beaters that Harry Potter liked to mutter about from time to time. Honestly, what's with evil megalomaniacs and the concept of immortality?

Both the headmaster and Severus cast their magic stick simultaneously, causing the door to blast in. Severus charged in a beat behind the headmaster. When there were no screams or flashing of exotic lights, Iruka and McGonagal poked their head in. The previous occupant was in the process of being levitated to a chair and bound by Dumbledore and Snape. Harry struggled minutely from the floor where the chair had tipped over from the blast. Deeming it safe enough, Iruka stepped in to study the infamous Foe Glass, leaving McGonagal to cluck over the boy. There're just so many interesting stuff in here! Iruka considered the size of the room and the location of the glass, and deduced that the only way to miss a warning from the glass is to have one's back against the damn thing. Which was probably what had happened to Mad Eye Moody. The man should have placed an ordinary mirror at an angle to catch whatever image shown in the original Foe Glass so that even if he's stupid enough to have his back against the glass, he would have had another mirror for warning.

So much for the much lauded 'Constant Vigilance'.

"Well, he certainly doesn't practice what he preaches," Iruka muttered to himself.

At this point, he released his grip on Naruto's collar. Allowing the blonde to aid McGonagal in the liberation of one Harry Potter.

"I just don't understand," wailed McGonagal, or as close to wailing as she would allow herself, "Alastor had always been against the Dark Arts, what could he possibly have anything to do with You-Know-Who?"

Honestly, thought Iruka with a discreet roll of his eyes, if he had to hear another You-Know-What about You-Know-Who, who was currently doing God-Knows-What in Merlin-Knows-Where...

Well, Iruka's going to shove a You-Know-What up into You-Know-Where of the eternal moron who coined that silly moniker. Honestly, first 'Boy Who Lived' then 'You-Know-Who'. It's a wonder how anything is learned here. Perhaps he should increase the pace of his research on the seal to get out of this place. The last thing he wanted is for Naruto to be influenced by all these nonsense.

Thankfully, there were still some rather interesting things to see and study in this kami forsaken place. Iruka watched with avid interest as the man strapped to the chair changed his appearance, the red eye popped out, a leg grew out of the stump. Mad Eye Moody became thinner and hair grew out of his scalp. There were gasps all around, hmm, no wonder this particular character was so interested in the Henge technique. Luckily, most of them were so inept at chakra control and so foreign to the idea of using their powers without the aid of a magic stick that it just wasn't feasible to teach them. Although there were a notable few, Hermione Granger and Fleur Delacour being one of the ones closest to being able to accomplish some of the E rank techniques.

And Professor Snape.

Thanks to Severus' fondness for dramatics, his habit of slamming doors and windows wandlessly to make students jump for example, had allowed him to practice using his energy outside of his own body without the extension of the magic stick. Iruka's lecture on the Rope Shedding technique had struck his interest despite Naruto's showy little performance that had scarred the potions master for life. Severus had demanded the knowledge of said technique as repayment for the resultant mental scarring.

So Iruka had revealed the rope shedding technique to Severus, a little E rank technique that any ninja worth their salt should be able to counter. The thought made him sleep well at night and allowed him to leech off all kinds of useful magical secrets from the potions master. Speaking of which, Iruka watched with interest as Severus unstoppered a small bottle of some clear liquid. A type of truth serum? Iruka wondered, noting the three drops that landed on the victim's tongue. Now this was something worth looking into.

The interrogation went swiftly without problems. The victim, a certain Barty Crouch Junior seemed almost smug telling all he had done. Iruka watched with mild interest as the prisoner proudly spilled his guts about how he'd escaped the dreaded prison, Mascarpone, killing his dad and masquerading as 'Mad Eye' Alastor 'Constant Vigilance' Moody without anyone the wiser. Not even the fabled ninja Iruka saw through his disguised, Barty Crouch gloated gleefully.

It was the last part that annoyed Iruka the most. He was suppose to be an awesome ninja, damn it! Not one of the idiot masses. The idiot magical masses in this case. Iruka was thoroughly disgusted with himself. Oh, now this was unbearable, outsmarted by a raving lunatic of all things. Iruka could just imagine the snide remarks from those jounin on duty as well as the sniggering from a couple of random chuunin. While Iruka entertained various kinds of pranks on various imagined slight, the interrogation slowly wind itself up. There were some arguments on whether the minister himself should be told, but Iruka wasn't really listening. His opinion of the leader of this soft headed community had best be concealed from the general public.

The trip into the trunk was quite enlightening as well, Iruka wondered where he could get one like it. Perhaps he would ask Severus about it afterwards. Once the prisoner's confessions had reduced to incoherent babbling of his Lord's Grandness, Dumbledore declared the interrogation to be officially over. Gravely, the old headmaster stood tall as he looked over the occupants of the trunk room, "So," he murmured, "it is starting,"

He then gestured for the group to adjourn to the Hospital Wing. The poor real Alastor Moody will need treatment after all. Iruka supposed it made sense. However, the decision to keep the prisoner in this poorly guarded teacher's room made the scar on Iruka's nose tingle, and that is never a good thing. His suggestion to keep a guard here was waved off with a hard twinkle. There was to be an emergency meeting at once, and it had to be done at the Hospital wing because of Moody's conditions. This school just had a major event with lots of security that came with the important people that had arrived to witness said event. And the prisoner's tied up and incoherent, no need for concern Iruka-sensei. Twinkle. Twinkle.

It took all of Iruka's self control not to curl his lip into a sneer. The Headmaster, satisfied with his non answer lead the group. It was Harry that finally noticed that Iruka had hung back, the boy ran over to his OM sensei and patted his hand.

"It'll be alright, Iruka-sensei," the boy sounded more cheerful that Iruka had ever heard him, "Dumbledore knows what to do," that patronizing remark done, Harry scampered to catch up with the group.

Iruka could not stand it anymore.

"NARUTO-KUN!"

The boy halted mid marched, instinctively flinched and hurried back.

"Erm, sensei?"

"Stay here, guard the door. Make sure the prisoner is not compromised," Iruka ordered. Better be paranoid and live, than reckless and die.

"Nyeh? Why me?" Naruto whined.

"Because," Iruka said slowly, "You're the only one I can count on to be sensible,"

That caught Naruto's ego and attention, "Yosh! Sensei, the prisoner shall not be compro, er composed on my watch!"

"Excellent,"


	12. Part 2 Chap 1

**Part 2 is here.**

**Right, well, it has been rather hectic lately, and the chapter's quite short. Well, it's rather difficult to decide what happens next. I've written and re-written so many version of this chapter that I could probably open a 'reject' portion to keep them.**

**So you want to know what happen at the dementor scene? Well, I've covered that at least.**

Iruka knew what hate was.

He had seen it, felt it and had at one time in his life had wallowed in the putrid depths of it.

Hate can fuel you beyond your limits. Spur you beyond feats of impossibilities at times. As a ninja and a teacher, Iruka had tended to this emotion for various purposes. Students who hated their teacher will find it easier to work with each other. Hate, when provide a target, is often enough reason for a desperate shinobi to ensure a mission success. Observe how those incompetent civilians work together to take down stronger opponents like Iruka and the much, much hated Naruto-prince-minion.

Anyway, he had digressed.

More important than one's own hate, is to know what the enemy hates. The saying 'the enemy of my enemy is my friend' sometimes slide the odds towards yourself. Find something the enemy hates more than you, and you're home free. Or something like that. Being a chuunin of average skill set, Iruka had had to rely on more than just power or jutsu to achieve success, and hate is something he understands.

However, hate is a limit too.

Hate makes you short sighted, tampers with your judgement and makes you rash, eager, _careless._ As an average shinobi, Iruka had to find ways out of impossible situations, take out ninjas stronger than him and more importantly _survive_. So he uses pranks, tricks and taunts to make the other _hate_ him, make them short sighted, rash, _careless_ and finally lead them to their deaths. It is a balancing act, using hate against his enemies. Tended too well, hate will spur his enemies beyond feats of possibilities, desperate, _hungry_ for his life.

But for now, hate will serve him.

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_He felt the being before he saw it. Black tattered robes whipping about even with all the windows closed. He dimly heard the Granger girl slammed another window shut, the sound echoed in his empty brain as his eyes took in Naruto's limp body. His body moved but it was already too late, he heard Severus' voice shout, some words that did not make sense and a large white ghost leap passed him to attack the cloaked form. Iruka slide to the floor just feet away from the creature. The momentum carried him forward enough to perform the emergency child catching technique perfected by all academy sensei._

_His back hit the wall, but he did his best not to jar the body. God, had Naruto always been so small? He unrolled enough to catch a sight of more white ghosts attacking the black cold thing. The body- no, no, the person, the child in his arms did not move._

"_Naruto…"_

_He wanted to shake him, but he was frightened. "Naruto-kun," he gave the child a light tap on the face._

_And immediately snatched his hand away, Iruka stared at his iced finger tips. Naruto's lips were turning blue, his complexion going from pale to waxy. Forgetting caution, Iruka grasped the thin shoulders and began to shake, screaming, shouting, cursing._

_Hands pulled at his shoulder, someone tried to pull Naruto away, Iruka snarled._

"_Sir," the anxious face of a woman with bright purple hair appeared before him, "you must let go,"_

"_NO!" his teacher voice bellowed, "GO AWAY! LEAVE US ALONE!" with a surge of power he pushed the hands away, shoved the one taking Naruto from him, tipping over from the unexpected give of the large body. Hell, the man's weaker than he look._

"_Auror Shacklebolt!" it was the purple hair woman, but Iruka had already shove off the man, vaulting off the body on one hand to avoid capture._

_Then, something made him look. Perhaps it was a gasp, a surge of chakra, or magic, or perhaps someone pointed. But his eyes moved irresistibly towards Naruto._

_The body trembled._

"_That's impossible," the breathless voice of the school nurse._

"_Unnatural magic," the guttural voice of the man he had hit, Shacklebolt, the man had his wand out now._

_Iruka couldn't help himself, a miracle, perhaps, he wasn't hurt? There was no injury, perhaps he had been too panicked to see…_

_A force of red chakra surged._

_Iruka's heart shrivelled. Surely… surely not…_

_The menacing chakra spattered out._

"_No-"_

_Red eyes popped open with sudden clarity._

"_No…"_

_Bleeding lips pulled back into an unnatural grin._

"_Hello, human,"_

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"No!" Iruka screamed, trashing and struggling with his eyes wide open. Unseeing. It was the fourth day after the being, the _Dementor_ he reminded himself, had been brought into the school by that moronic daimyo of this stupid insipid world. Sweat covered his brow. The air was warmer here, in the hospital wing. Bright stars twinkled, reflecting from the pond where the squid resided.

His legs shook as he wriggled his way out of the twisted sheets and shuffled his way to the room next door where Naruto was... sleeping. Iruka raised his hand to push the doors open and stopped at the sight of white bandages covering his hands. His fire damaged hands and remembered...

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_Iruka had cursed and pleaded, he screamed and cried at the creature. Fire scored at his hands burning hot enough to warp the air. People began to scream and run away, they had stopped trying to pull him to safety, concentrating instead on getting away from the Not Naruto creature. The part of Iruka's mind that was not screaming with despair noted the spattering chakra, the way the power ebbed and give suddenly. The Kyuubi wants to take over, but it was too powerful, the seal still holds him within the too fragile body. It would not be easy for it to control the body without burning it to crisp first._

_Sudden terrible clarity took over Iruka. He would have to stop it. He was the only one with any knowledge of the demon. The cold, terrible self calmly suppressed his screaming, desperate mind. It had to be done. The wizards had recovered themselves to throw lights at the Not Naruto creature. The lights did nothing beyond irritating its chakra wrapped body._

"_N-naruto," he sobbed, "please, please you have to fight it, you're strong, fight it,"_

_Harsh wheezing laugh cracked the young voice box, "Fool! The brat is no longer here," a large purple tongue swiped the whiskered face, "I shall take great pleasure in ripping you apart!"_

"_Naruto!" Iruka lunged helplessly at the creature, ignoring the startled screams of the wizards and witches around. Why should he care what those stupid people think? It was a creature of their world that stole Naruto from him._

_Not Naruto laughed in its broken voice, the skin of Iruka's hands started to cook from the heat, but he hung on. A derisive swipe of its clawed hand left open lines on his cheek, the wounds bled warmly. A frightened witch sent a light against Not Naruto's back. The creature turn to glare and Iruka thrust a short handle potions knife into its throat. Chakra screamed, but Iruka was already moving. He jammed a second knife, a kunai this time, into the back of its neck, a powerful instant death technique that would fell dragons, wolves or any creature with any sort of spinal cord systems._

_Not Naruto screeched, dropping to its front as clawed hands scrabble for the handle of the kunai. A claw caught the ring of the handle, but Iruka was faster, and much bigger. Using his heavier bulk, Iruka held down the flailing limbs, he wrapped nerveless fingers around the small neck, pressing both knives deeper until he could feel the blades grate against each other._

_It screamed, but the ninja had already taken over him. So he squeezed and squeezed…_

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… the scream of foul chakra rang in his ear. He knew, intellectually that there hadn't been any screaming from Naruto. The first thrust of knife had already pierced the voice box…

"You should rest,"

The dark, silky voice of the Potions Master edged into his consciousness. Iruka's eyes confirmed the man's presence. Severus was currently sitting with a book on his lap. The boy, Draco, was curled up like a snail on the bed next to him. Beyond that was… was…

"Go to sleep, Lucius will be here tomorrow with another Healer,"

"Will the minister come?" Iruka's voice was starved, hollow. He wanted a chance to slit the man's throat. Nothing too deep, just a little bloodletting, let him know the folly of messing about with things that did not concern him.

"Unlikely," Severus interrupted his busy little fantasy, "the man is not likely to come within a hundred feet of you or your student, not after that little stunt,"

"Not even for a photo chance with Lucius?"

"He's afraid of Lucius too," Severus reminded him.

Of course, there was more than one casualty to the minister's stupidity. Somehow, after the… _incident_, they managed to subdue the demented creature. A tattered, graying man had leapt into the foray casting some kind of strange swirling spell at the Dementor, breaking it into small sparkly pieces. There were more shouts and screams and Iruka wished that he was already too numb to take in more. Except his cold calculating side was still on overdrive and had taken note of the shower of bright little lights that emerged from the pieces of the creature. The little lights seemed suspended for a moment. Then, some winked away almost immediately, while others gently floated down to settle themselves all over Draco, who had been the closest, sending him into some kind of seizure.

They told him it was a good thing. The lights were soul fragments and Draco was the only one close enough, young enough for them to gain a foothold and boy was Lucius Malfoy's son. The man had been so angry when he heard that his son had been turned into a temporary holding box for foreign souls. There were more shouting from the minister, claiming property damage and other nonsense and freaking out from the sight of Iruka's bloody hands and face. Stabbing into a major arterial vein is always a messy business which was why Anko's always doing it, but Iruka wasn't listening. He wasn't listening because he was busy extracting another knife from his boot and was approaching the still talking minister with absolute intent and stabbed the man on the shoulder much to the horror of the people around him.

The minister squealed like a stuck pig.

Taking advantage of the horrified stillness around him, Iruka calmly pulled the knife free and thrust it neatly into the minister's bicep, just a little lower than the original wound. That finally spurred people into moving. Severus whipped the knife out of his hand with a spell. The big guy, Shacklebolt bound him in ropes. Poppy, the mediwitch, descended upon the minster with spells flowing from her wand.

"I merely stabbed the fleshiest part of the idiot," Iruka defended himself, "If you people can fix broken bones in seconds, you should be able to wave off such wounds."

Severus studied the man before him. At age twenty-two, Iruka Umino was less than five years older than the oldest students of Hogwarts. In the moonlight, with the bandages and his hair down, the man looked even younger.

"You frightened him badly," he said evenly.

"I could have killed him," Iruka's eyes were sharp, unclouded by remorse or guilt.

"True, but that would be detrimental to you and your charge," Severus was sure that was the only reason the minister's still alive.

A wide grin split the pale broken lips. At that moment, Iruka looked more like a crazed convict escapee than Sirius Black at his worst.


	13. Part 2 Chap 2

**Hello, sorry for the late (and short) chapter. It had been hideously difficult to try and imagine Naruto's mindscape within Draco's mindscape, let alone the whole brouhaha with the Kyuubi and Minato and Kushina chakra figures inside of him. Will do my best, in the mean time please enjoy this chapter.**

**Oh, by the way, I've also re-did all of my previous chapters, cleaning up the tense problems and adding little extra bits whenever it struck me. It might not be 100% perfect, but it's now definitely better than before. Readers who clicked this updated chapter only might want to check them out!**

**Lots of love,**

**KT-chan**

_A wide grin split the pale broken lips. At that moment, Iruka looked more like a crazed convict escapee than Sirius Black at his worst. _

At that point, Severus was suddenly reminded of this man's true profession. A mercenary. A killer on command. A man whose job was to make killers out of young children. For all his mild manners and soothing way of speaking, Severus should never forget this man's true character; he had been manipulated enough by the mild manner sensei to know better by now. The excuse that he had allowed himself to be duped for physical gratification (removal of headaches and migraines) grew thinner every time he used it. Iruka was a master at the art of deception and as the Head of the Slytherin, Severus both admired and resented him for it.

Ever since the pair of misfits had arrived, Severus had had little time to himself. The headmaster had charged him to keep a wary eye on both foreigners. Foreign magic users who could not be count on to be in the same place at any one time and who often displayed contradictory behaviours _all the damned time_. The activity had honed his reaction time so much that teaching foolish, boisterous children how to mix potentially noxious and dangerous liquids seemed a breeze after having to look after the Blonde Menace. The fact that he had started to look forward to nice, relaxing sessions of double potions between Slytherin and Gryffindor was probably just the tip of the proverbial iceberg.

If it were not for Iruka's zen causing presence, Severus was sure that he would have popped a blood vessel or five already. As it stands, with Naruto causing havoc on one hand and Iruka providing false calm on the side, Severus had developed a sort of a strange defence mechanism against shocks and untimely surprises. Thus, when the headmaster sprung Sirius Black's presence upon them, Severus was mostly horrified, yet not really surprised by the encounter.

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"_Headmaster,"_

"_Severus, my boy, there you are," Dumbledore smiled at him, "and how is our esteemed colleague? I trust he is feeling better now?"_

_Severus said grimly, "he has desisted from making death threats. If that is what you meant, nor has he stabbed anyone else in the past hour,"_

"_Ah, good, good," Dumbledore stroked his beard, "thank you, Severus. Conflicts happen between even the most amiable of friends. It is a natural thing," he beamed at Severus and the remaining people in the hospital wing._

_Severus did not return his good humour nor did he acknowledge Lupin's awkward smile. The werewolf had attended the Triwizards to witness the competition along with hundreds of other witches and wizards who had nothing better to do with their weekends. In Severus' opinion, the werewolf should be shut out along with the nosy masses and not be let into a school full of potential victims. So what if Lupin was the one to destroy the dementor? That he had brought a large, ugly canine companion ought to be a mark against him on principle. Severus glared at the large black dog beside Lupin. Ugly brute. Let that Umino character shower the werewolf with whatever gratitude he likes. In the end, Severus would still have to deal with Lucius Malfoy getting pissy about his precious heir._

_The mutt beside Lupin barked._

_Dumbledore looked over his half-moon glasses at their lack of enthusiasm and forged on bullishly, "However, these are dark times. Evil is upon us, we must unite our resources…"_

_Blah, blah, blather dash, thought Severus uncharitably amidst a twinge of warning in his gut. Something bad was about to happen, he just knew it. That particular piece of organ had had a workout like never before, barring his Death Eater spy times. Severus suspected that Dumbledore was about to pull some very bad news out of his posterior._

"…_the Order of Phoenix shall now be revived!" the headmaster exclaimed with a flourish._

_If the headmaster had expected him to clap, he would be most disappointed._

"_Now, Severus," Dumbledore said in a careful voice reserved for dangerous animals._

_Here it comes, thought Severus tiredly._

"_I trust… that you are acquainted with Remus… and Sirius?"_

"…"

_The mangy dog beside Lupin morphed into a mangy looking Sirius Black. Severus' lips curled back in a reflexive sneer. Black gave a leering grin, it went well with the stench of wet dog wafting over to Severus' nose. Personally, he thought the dog was an improvement of Black._

"_Snivellous, so nice to see that you're still as miserably greasy as ever,"_

_From his periphery view Severus noted McGonagal's gasp of shock, Poppy reaching for her wand and what could only be described as pure, unbridled joy on Potter's face. If this had happened earlier, when Severus was still jittery and high strung from the burning of the Dark Mark, if he had not been systematically shocked, pranked and be made horrified by the antics of that Blonde Menace and its tricky sensei… Well, Severus would probably have lost his temper at best and attempted to murder Black at worst. Maybe._

_As things were right now…_

"_Right, well," Severus was tired, he was exhausted beyond mere physical weariness. Tradition, however, dictate that he best put up an insult at least, "I see the Order had gone to the dogs,"_

_Black howled. Lupin tried to hold him back. Dumbledore's reproachful look could not touch him. He had enough of this._

"_I've had enough of this," he turned in a magnificent swirl of black cloth, "I shall be looking into Mr. Malfoy's conditions. Lucius will no doubt be on his way as we speak. I have no intention of facing him unprepared."_

"_Greasy git! Big nose! Snivellous!"_

_Severus did not pause as he step towards the cordoned off portion of the hospital wing, Black could bark and howl all he like._

"_Slytherin! Coward!"_

_The last remark made his steps faltered to a stop. Black's hoarse cackle rebounded off the hospital walls. For a moment, he was transported back in time to his formative years where Potter and his cronies taunted him and made his life miserable. It was a painful time and he did not appreciate being reminded of it._

"_Sirius, please," Lupin's pleading voice somehow made it worse, "Severus, I'm so sorry, I really do apologize, I-"_

_Somehow he had turned his body without realizing it. Black's face was set in a sneer. Thin, worn and scraggly, there was very little remaining of the arrogant, handsome youth that had made Severus' life hell. The helpless, determine set to Lupin's mouth was a familiar thing as well. That he was probably blackmailed by his so-called friends into making a fourth of the Gryffindor quartet did nothing to endear Severus to his plight. Irrationally, Severus had expected better from someone sporting the red and gold colours. Beyond them, Dumbledore's benevolent presence bloomed like the stink of a days old manticore carcass. Potter's small face and Weasley's happy background leer completed the whole bloody Gryffindor togetherness picture. _

_Sod it._

_He would bribe Naruto with ramen to make the life those goody, goody wannabe hell the second he awaken from his coma. With that incentive in mind, Severus left the room without a word. Let them think what they like; he had a Blond Menace to revive._

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As Severus studied the small boy on the hospital bed, he acknowledged that his earlier thoughts of revenge were easier said than done. There was a… presence within the boy. One that Iruka had been too catatonic to explain. Maybe.

They had finally removed the bandages around Iruka's face, revealing three claw marks on the left side of his cheeks. The scar tissues were red and angry, blistering with puss and really gross looking. One of the lines swept just an inch below his eye, glancing against the cheek bone. Iruka had not said much about the scars, merely murmured something about being lucky and left it at that. Severus supposed that Umino meant he was lucky to have his eyesight survive the attack.

Poppy had bandaged up the injury again, daubed liberally with healing potions to prevent infections and to reduce the scarring. The whole school was curious about why the co-champion was not around to celebrate his victory. That the minister was spotted entering the school grounds with the escort of a dementor and leaving with the aurors were speculated upon. Lucius' thundering presence and Draco's none appearance fuelled even more wild rumours around the school.

The students had to be told something of course. Dumbledore made a grave speech about the return of You-Know-Who and wished everyone a safe and happy holiday. Fortunately for the rest of the staffs, there was only two days left until the end of the school term leaving little time for the rumours to escalate into something more disastrous. Karkaroff had already disappeared the moment the Dark Mark was felt, his students seemed annoyed but oddly unconcerned.

In the midst of the bustle and hustle of packing and rumour mongering, a small anti storm had formed around the OM teacher. Two girls from Beaubaxton, three hefty Durmstrang boys and four Hogwarts students huddled under a large tree to say their goodbyes to Iruka. Fleur and her sister, Krum with two younger year beaters aspiring to be international quidditch talents, and of course the Hogwarts representatives, Harry and Hermione of Gryffindor, Cedric Diggory of Hufflepuff and Marietta of Ravenclaw.

Draco was still languishing in the hospital wing with a poise and sad Narcissa keeping watch.

Iruka's face was heavily bandaged on one side. Of the nine students before him, only two knew what lied underneath. It hurt to even smile, but he made the effort using the other half of his face, creating a lopsided grin. Questions a brimmed those who did not know, but politeness and respect held their tongue as did the anguished look in Iruka's eyes when they ask after Naruto. They were all well verse now in looking underneath the underneath enough to know that asking would gain them nothing.

So they did not ask.

Fleur kissed Iruka's undamaged cheek and squeezed his hands. Her sister, a pretty quarter veela herself, echoed the kiss making the young sensei glow a brighter red. The boys shared manly handshakes with the OM teacher while the remaining girls gave small gifts and promises to write often. Iruka accepted everything with a strained smile and patted their heads where he could reach, and their shoulders when he could not.

When Iruka started casting worried looks towards the windows of the hospital wing, each of his not-so-civilian students made their excuses and turned to leave. Iruka-sensei, as they had learned, would never allow any of his students to be truly hurt without reason. That he made the effort to say good-bye to them personally; leaving the side of his presumably gravely injured student whilst being injured himself touched their hearts like nothing else. So they left, smiling and warm with soft greetings, carefully not mentioning anything about anything that would hurt him and left quickly to allow their sensei to hurry back to the side of his favourite.

It was the least they could do.

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Healer Pontius glanced nervously around the halls of Hogwarts. He was a student here, once, five years ago, but he had never entered the castle when during the term breaks, not even for the Christmas hols. The place echoed with silence. He shifted his bag to the other arm and hurried after the enormous caretaker. Not that he really needed directions to the Hospital Wing, but the presence of another living being deters the silence. If only a little.

"Here yah go," Hagrid opened the door for the shifty young man.

Healer Pontius nodded at the half giant, "Thank you, Hagrid,"

"Ma'am Pomfrey'll see yah to it, and, well uh, good luck,"

"Thank you," he accepted the luck gratefully. As one of the more junior healers, Healer Pontius should not be here, not really. If not for his research thesis which dived into the more obscure arts of mind healing and study of the adverse affects of prolonged dementor exposure.

Pontius was a healer because both his parents had been healers and his grandparents, on both sides, and because he was the direct descendent of the Great Healer Portia Pontius. Word has it that Lucius Malfoy himself had asked for his presence, Pontius did not know Lucius as a student, but his brother went to school with him and he had heard many tales about the man. If he were to solve this problem for the Malfoy family, he would no doubt be able to gain grants and backing of the Malfoy name for his research.

An accomplished legilimens, Pontius had chosen to study dementor affects because they were obscure. A paper on dementors was more likely to garner attention than one that was written on boils and sores. Also, he did not have to compete directly with potions experts on the usage of potions in healing. To Pontius, the mind was a very interesting phenomenon.

"Healer Pontius," Lucius Malfoy's stately, cultured voice broke him out of his reverie.

Pontius bowed his head at the voice, "Mr. Malfoy," he darted his eyes, taking in the two beds, the young man who could not be older than him and a beautifully sad Narcissa Malfoy.

"I've heard many good things about your work," before Pontius could stammered an appropriate response, Malfoy continued, "Do not disappoint me,"

Pontius bowed again, heart pounding and palms cooling with sweat, "Yes, sir, I- I will not, sir,"

The famed grey eyes of the Malfoys swept over him, found him wanting, but Pontius was the best in the field. The _only _one in the field.

"See that you don't,"

The door closed with a resolute finality. There he was, left with the boys and the young man who smiled at him with tired warmth.

"Hello there, I'm Umino Iruka," the pleasant young man stood up and bowed politely, "please let me inform you of the recent happenings,"

Pontius stepped closer, mesmerized by the warm brown eyes and the promise of haven in a world of chaos and Lucius Malfoy's machinations.


	14. Part 2 Chap 3

**I have no excuse for being late. Only, life has been busy and well, I lost interest in Naruto the manga while waiting for Sasuke to die. Apologies in advance to Sasuke fans.**

It was said that when a person died in their dreams, they died in reality as well.

That was the first thing Umino Iruka learned about genjutsu back in the days as an academy student. Back when his parents were alive. Back when his mother was a special jounin famed for her ability to weave illusions so realistic that she could make people feel like they were drowning in dark waters even as they stood on parched land.

Iruka had listened in earnest, eager to show his parents what he had learned that day. Father had laughed and ruffled his hair in pride. Mother smiled in that gentle smile of hers and touched his nose where the scar had cut across.

A ninja's illusion was nothing to be scoffed at. It was a weapon, nothing like the silly sparkles and dancing fires favoured by the magical community. Iruka had been tiny enough to fit comfortably on his mother's knee when Miwako had whispered the secrets of genjutsu into his ear. Be subtle and deadly, and your enemy will fall before you like sheared cornstalks. Iruka had no natural gifts of genjutsu himself, what little he had gained were hard fought and earned through the hard way.

He became the next best thing with his gifts.

He became a spy for Konoha.

Nevertheless, he still retained the theory of genjutsu. As a school teacher, theory was something he became very good at. He even remembered the blurb on Chapter 3 of genjutsu study: The most effective ways of applying an illusion was to pile them up on top of one another. Layers upon layers upon layers of illusions with many, many tiny variations according to imagination and skill, Uchiha Itachi was a great genjutsu artist because of the number of layered illusions he applied upon the victim.

Chapter 4, disruption of Genjutsu: As a general rule, the victim need only to disrupt his chakra to 'shake off' an illusion, thus making it seemed as though the art of genjutsu was nothing but a paper tiger at large. However, if the genjutsu user had already anticipated this move and created the illusion of making the victim _thought_ he had disrupted his chakra, well, that was a different kettle of fish altogether. A genjutsu within the hundreds of genjutsu could make the world so topsy turvy that the victim might not know what was wrong or right, up or down or even friend or foe. He could make it seemed as though you had shaken off a dangerously realistic genjutsu and caught sight of its user hiding in the branches of a tree behind more genjutsu. He could make you feel the false triumph of having caught sight of the 'enemy' making you attack, only to see the false world melt away and the blood of your comrade on your hands.

Not all genjutsu were as intricate of course. Most of what Iruka could influence were sight and sound. Light and vibrations and, thanks to his parents' gifts, a small ability to manipulate chakra energy. However, without the ability to think non-linearly, Iruka's genjutsu skills were limited. There was a reason why there were so few genjutsu masters, not as rare as Seal masters, but rare enough.

A true master would take everything into consideration, smell, touch and feel, sound, wind and vibration of movement. …

… often times it was the smallest details that alerted the victim that they were within an illusion.

Iruka made chuunin due to his ability with seals, traps and genjutsu. What prevented him from gaining full jounin status was his inability to recognise genjutsu upon himself. A potentially fatal problem not only for his own safety, but for his partners and the village as a whole, thus Iruka was unable to make jounin even with his double elemental mastery. A unique problem that could have gained him tokubetsu status had he persisted in his ambition. As Anko liked to observe, Iruka has serious balls when it came to completing a mission. He could pull plans out of his ass when the need arises, and maximised his resources in a way that would make a Nara proud.

Nevertheless, Iruka was, _is_, a resourceful man and right now he was listening to Healer Pontius' rather complex and convoluted postulations on what might have happened to Naruto's mind and soul. As far as Iruka could understand, Pontius' theory was that the beings, _the dementors_, did not actually suck out a person's soul. What really nourishes them were the feelings and personalities embedded within the soul compartment of an intelligent being. Which was why there had never been any documentation of dementors sucking out the soul of animals like cows and ducks, or even semi-intelligent creatures such as owls and dogs.

Werewolves, vampires, wizards and witches and yes, even muggles were fair game because they were all self aware. There was the sense of 'I', of being a person that separated 'us' from base animals. The reason why dementors targeted humans was very practical. Human emotions were more varied and interesting, rich with feelings and choked full of multiple thoughts. In fact, humans were targeted more by dementors compared to other beings because of their complex emotions, their ability to generate high amount of rich and varied responses compared to, say, a troll.

A troll may feel pain, hunger and anger. Faced with a dilemma, a troll's first response was likely to be a) whut? followed by b) I smash! responses to be repeated as necessary until either following two feelings intervene, 'I hungry' and looked for food, or 'Pain!' 'I angry', 'I Smash More!'

Healer Pontius based his research on the fact that dementors were attracted to large crowds of cheering people. Technically, there was no real 'release' of souls within a crowd. So there was no reason why a dementor would find a crowd of screaming people any more attractive than the average person would find a field full of noisy chickens appetizing.

Pontius theory that the soul was like an empty vessel or a blank sheet of parchment, ready to be filled with thoughts, feelings and other traits that made up a person. A dementor feed on these traits as nourishment. A kissed victim could be described as a torn sheet of parchment where the details of their thoughts and feelings were wrung out and sucked away. It would also explain why Kissed victims could not give responses outside of those involuntary responses like swallowing, sweating and defecating.

The key, according to Pontius, was to determine a way to 'fix' the blank parchment. After which the desired key character traits could then be implanted and be allowed to grow. In theory, a capable legilimens could enter the mind of a Kissed victim to implant false memories and ideas into the soul. Once planted, the thoughts and memories would feed off each other and began to grow and thereby giving a soul 'character'. Theoretically, the blank soul of a mass murderer could be implanted with characteristics such as hard work, loyalty to the right persons and kindness. The victim would eventually awaken to a whole new personality, a personality that allows them to contribute positively to society instead of harming it.

In theory.

Healer Pontius had yet to test out this theory due to many reasons. Financial logistics, ethical and moral obstacles and accessibility were but the beginnings of such problems. Then there was also the question of _how._

How does one harvest the desired traits?

How to infuse the desired traits into the target?

How does one decide what traits to infuse?

How will one trait influence the other?

How to make sure the subject emerge from their slumber with the desired traits?

Fortunately, with Naruto, Healer Pontius did not have to ponder about what kind of traits to infuse. All he had to do was to figure out how to safely extract the soul fragments from Draco Malfoy and infused said fragments into the young prince's body under the watchful eyes of his servant and Lucius Malfoy.

Peace a cake.

…

He's so dead.

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Two weeks after the incident, Naruto slumbered on. Oblivious to Iruka's growing silence and the escalating wizarding conflict that was happening around them. The dark lord had somehow obtained a body using a skewed version of the blood, bone and flesh ritual. Apparently Pettigrew's melted body and the chopped up pieces of a nearby muggle was enough to grant the dark lord some sort of a body. Pale and bald with skeletal limbs, reported Lucius who was still furious over the minister's cock up and angry at the dark lord for being so casual as to dismiss Draco's plight as something minor. The Malfoys were survivors, he had hissed at Severus, not to be used as cannon fodder for the likes of his unnecessarily glorified plans.

Iruka sat in Severus' office, a cup tea cooling before him as he stared at nothing. When Severus walked in, he brought the smell of sharpness and crushed herbs with him. The man stood just behind Iruka, silent and would admit if only to himself, a little uncertain.

Iruka was playing with a soft tipped brush in his hands. Severus nerved himself into-

"Ask your question," the young man said suddenly.

Severus started. He shifted his stance from alert to wary, "What are you talking about?" he hedged.

"Ask your question, Professor Snape," he said evenly, the brush flitting about his fingers.

Severus had heard claims that Iruka could actually kill a full grown man with a toothpick. Not that Severus was one to listen to rumours, but, well, it was _Iruka_. What the man could or could not do were still mysteries to him.

As for what he could do with a brush was, he grimaced, imagination running wild. At the very least, the man could probably stab it into his victim's eye and taking out the brain behind the soft tissues. It was not like him to be so easily unnerved. The young man was a head shorter and a whole decade younger for goodness sake!

_And a good deal more dangerous._ His mind whispered.

And was that not ironic? Severus smiled grimly to himself. As a potion master, he was well verse with poisons and other deadly elixirs that could… _do_ _things_. Just because he was a teacher at a school full of dunderheads did not mean that he had let his skills rust or fall to pieces. By certain standards, Severus could be equally dangerous.

However, Iruka was the type to use his powers openly, not bury his intentions under subterfuge as the headmaster was wont to do. Severus felt, perversely, that he could trust the man because of this odd quirk of habit. He decided to take the risk of this unexpected olive branch and asked one crucial question.

"What is inside the boy?"

Silence.

Severus tried not to fidget, too much.

Then, Iruka stirred in his chair. The brush stopped moving. He looked steadily into Severus' eyes. "You do know how to pick your questions, don't you?" Iruka sounded not quite amused, but something close to it.

Severus waited. He had asked the question, now all he had to do was to wait for the answer.

He watched as Iruka contemplated the patterns of his cup, it was a plain thing with a slash of green made by a thin bamboo branch. Draco had given it to him as part of his brown nosing campaign to buy into the Oriental Magic teacher's favour.

"A demon." Iruka said quietly.

Severus contemplated the answer. He decided not to waste his questions on inane repetition of the same, asked instead, "What kind of demon?"

The deceptively warm brown eyes studied him steadily. Severus crossed the room and seated himself in the other armchair. A waved of his wand made a cup of tea, in a proper teacup and saucer appeared. He raised his brow at Iruka's cup. When Iruka nodded, he flicked his wand and steam appeared over the bamboo pattern. It was interesting to note that the man did not even flinch from the rapid temperature change.

Iruka did not bother to drink the tea, he merely watched the rising steam with soft looking eyes. Severus waited. He did not trust those eyes. Fortunately, he also did not have to wait too long.

Iruka did not looked at him as he said, "It is a creature of fire, a great force of nature,"

Severus considered. He could ask about how the demon ended up inside the boy or he could ask about the demon's capabilities for mind magic, although Iruka might not actually know that part, given that his skills seemed to encompass the physical actions. He decided to risk the question anyway.

"Does the demon know mind magic?"

Iruka kept his eyes away. "I… do not know,"

Fair enough. Severus pondered, even if the demon did not know mind magic and given the size of the child, there was every possibility that what was sealed inside the boy may have been made incorporeal and kept behind a ward of some kind. Take into consideration that the boy had suddenly turned feral and had attacked his precious sensei, it was almost a certainty that it was the demon itself that had taken over the child's body after the dementer had sucked out its main host.

However, not all was lost. That the demon had attacked them was unfortunate, but, after spending some more thought on the matter, Severus had taken note on how the creature had roared and laughed and slashed at the people around it, but had not left the host for some reason.

Two possibilities, either the creature could not exist without an actual physical body to keep it in the physical plane. Or, it has been tethered to the boy's body through a ward of some sort. Regardless, both possibilities presented the same problem. Once the healer had extracted Naruto's soul, which should not pose too many problems as there had been many documented instances of successful exorcism spells which uses similar techniques. Naruto's soul should be extracted and sealed in a bottle by the end of tomorrow.

What happened next would determine whether they have the hyperactive, crazy-genius nitwit with them at the end of the day, or a repeat of the incident of That Day.

He casted his thoughts back to That Day. There was fire, he remembered, so hot that he felt it almost across the room from the creature. The boy's features had changed as well, turning animalistic, hands curved into claws, whisker marks thickening. There was, he recalled, a shade of a tail made of heated magic. An animal shaped demon of fire then, he decided. It did not matter what form the demon took. What matter was the substance, he would have to look up spells against fire magic and protection spells for the soul. There was no way he would trust Pontius' suggestion of placing the soul bottle on the child's chest and allow the soul to just 'seep' into the body in order to find its anchor.

For one thing, there was the demon to consider.

Blast it, he would have to guide the child's soul, evade the demon and probably assist it into finding an anchor in its own body.

Muttering to himself, calling himself all kinds of fool, Severus nevertheless proposed the plan to Iruka. Hopefully, despite how patchy the plan was, it would succeed.

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A sudden high pitch scream pierced through Naruto's head, jolting him out of his sleep. He stifled his first instinct to jump up and run towards the source of the sound. When two heartbeats went by without another scream, he cautiously opened an eye and made a quick sweep of his surroundings. Not that there were much to see. The walls and floors were made of stones. Through dirty bars, he noted flickering fire lights. He could not actually see the ceiling.

The idea of being imprisoned in a dungeon deep underground did not scare Naruto as much as it should. Not when he had escaped from one that time with Princess Yuki. He had been in chains then, Naruto nodded to himself, eyeing the forbidding manacles pinning an old skeleton to the wall. It looked really brittle. Naruto shivered and moved to poke at the bars, the Snow Country dungeons had chakra enforced bars. Not that it actually kept him inside long. He was Uzumaki Naruto! Nothing could keep him down long.

Nothing zapped his fingers even after the third poke.

In the dank darkness, Naruto grinned.

Another scream ripped the air. The blonde cracked his knuckles decisively. Time to get to work, that scream sounded vaguely familiar and never let it be said that Uzumaki Naruto would ever passed up a chance to be a hero.

The meagre bars bent obligingly under his power.

He made his way quickly to the ceiling in case his escape alerted any guards. When nothing could be heard after the fifth breath, Naruto walked upside down on the ceiling, following a flickering light he could just make out in the darkness. It led him into a small square room with a lighted sconce on the wall. A heavy door, unbolted, led to a different, longer corridor just beyond. The place seemed pitched dark at first, but a few blinks helped his eyes to adjust. The unrelieved stone pattern could be seen on the walls, floors and ceilings. Really, if there were water on the floor and dripping pipes, he would have thought he'd ended up in his head in the Kyuubi corridor again.

Speaking of the Kyuubi, there was something that nibbled at the back of his mind. Something that involved a mission Iruka-sensei gave him. However, every time he tried to reach for the memory it skittered away like little cockroaches. How annoying.

Never mind, he dismissed the matter as something to be thought about later and concentrate on exploring the dark corridors. They had to lead somewhere. All he had to do was give the scenery enough time to change.

As soon as the thought formed, he found himself in a bright room full of windows.

Aauugh! His eyes! The light stabbed into his used to darkness eyes and gave him a brief, powerful headache. He had to blink a few times before the room came into focus.

There was no one in the sunny room with him, not even a talking portrait, which was odd because this was clearly a magical place, just like Hoggy-Warts. Somehow he had gotten used to the idea living in an animated place where teacups could bite you and the teapot might not serve you if you tried to touch it with dirty fingers.

At any rate, there were many windows facing outside, so that couldn't be too bad right? If anything goes wrong he could just jump out and-

A terrified girlish scream stopped his train of thought.

His first instinct was to jump out of the window to check out who was being tortured or worse. Unfortunately, there was something wrong with the windows because even when he tried to jump out of one, he only ended up leaping back into the room through another window. It was very strange and a bit disconcerting.

Maybe the big windows did not actually lead to the outside?

Suddenly, the large, brightly lit room did not seem so nice and inviting anymore.

Another scream prompted him to his feet. This time, his caught the sight of a small door situated between two large windows.

Had that door been there all the time?

Naruto pondered on the question for exactly three and a half second. He was through the door when the fifth second passed.

000000

Draco found himself awakened suddenly.

There were not many occasions where the Malfoy heir woke up voluntarily and a good number of them had correlations to specific gift giving occasions. Well, there was that one time when Naruto tried to put worms into his hair but was foiled when Draco suddenly opened his eyes from an apparent deep sleep. The scream that echoed through the dungeons made Draco the butt of many jokes for days afterwards. That was, until the day Weasley broke his record for girly screams right in the middle of the quidditch pitch. In daylight. Attempting to run away from what appeared to be tiny black balls of walking… soot things… with eyes. Personally, Draco thought they were kind of cute.

Since neither Christmas nor his birthday was in the near horizons, Draco was able to whittle down his sudden wakefulness to two reasons, danger or a Naruto Prank. The sneer appeared almost reflexively as it was wont to whenever Draco felt nervous. Magic gathered at his fingertips in response to the adrenaline rush. Iruka-sensei had praised him most when it came to being sneaky, sometimes even in favour against his beloved protégé Naruto.

Time to prove that the OM teacher did not give empty praises.

A quick pat on his robes produced no wand, but that did not worry him anymore than not having a comb in hand. One of the more crucial things Iruka-sensei did was cutting off their reliance on wands. Draco could not do too many wandless magic, unlike that Boy Who Live to Prove How Big an Ass One Could Be. Potter could even cast the _patronus_ without a wand, something that impressed everyone but the OM teacher. When Iruka had gently questioned Potter on the usefulness of his ghostly reindeer, Draco had been appalled, along with Mudblood Granger at how _spotty_ Potter's explanation was. For a moment, they shared a looked of mutual understanding of the plain horrible _embarrassment_ of being upstaged again and again by an _ignoramus_ _dork_ like Potter. For all his powers, Potter remained incredibly… brutish? uncouth? coarse? in his treatment of deeper magical understanding.

From then on, whenever there was a team event, both he and Granger would gang up together just to spite Potter, and indirectly, Weasley. Truthfully, Draco had no idea what an intelligent mudblood like Granger saw in the Weasley and told her so as often as he could get away with it. Not that he was harbouring any romantic interest in the Mudblood, please (insert eye roll here). Talking to her had the infinitely satisfying result of Potter and Weasley glaring and popping a minor blood vessel or three, which was reward enough on its own.

Plus, Granger was intelligent, and damnably sneaky once she decided to shelf her moral compass. He had been double crossed by her twice before in Capture the Flag games, an act that had earned her grudging respect from most of the Slytherins in general, including Professor Snape. Of course, it was nothing to the times he had used her as a pawn to further his own Cunning Plans but, Granger was Jolly Good Sort for a Gryffindork. It was the only reason why he found himself missing her bushy haired presence in view of the blank stone room he was currently housed in.

He wished he was anywhere but here.

The second the thought formed, Draco's body dissipated.

000000

Naruto's head cracked into a stone wall. His poor body immediately bounced backward to sprawl on the floor. He immediately sat up, the instinct to check his perimeter with his senses for enemies well honed for dangers. He peeled one eye open and immediately shut it against a blindingly strong light. It was even stronger here compared to the last room.

His head throbbed. Oww…

He opened his eye more carefully, with one hand shielding it protectively. He did not know if he could grow eyeballs if they burnt out and he really did not want to find out today. The light was strong enough to melt brains. Perhaps he was caught in a genjutsu set up by the evil Granger-Malfoy duo. A lot of Dureko's plans were influenced by Hermainoni's evil. The evil light idea was probably hers.

When Naruto was finally able to focus without the light turning his brain to the consistency of overcooked noodles, he found that he was alone in the room. It was another bright room, with polish wooden floors and decorated in white and gold. The floor was cold. He should know, his bare feet were on it. The ceiling was white and gold too. He had no idea how he had gotten here. Wait, there was a door, wasn't it? A door between two windows that had not been there before.

He turned his head to study the walls. The source of the light was obvious from the high arched windows. When nothing appeared to attack him or eat his head, Naruto walked about the room slowly. This was probably a dream, he thought to himself, Naruto dreamt often and, unlike most people, could recall most of his dreams quite clearly. There was that dream about a bowl of udon that tried to eat him, and that weird dream where Dureko was diving into a bowl of talking ramen…

Blinking, Naruto shook his head. Now was not the time to think about these silly dreams. It was the time for Action! He ventured further into the room.

It was the sound of food being munched that teased him at first. Being an orphan had taught Naruto many things, amongst them an awareness for food around him. The distinctive kerr-rumph of good expensive bread that Draco liked so much tickled his senses. When the warm, heavy aroma of sweet strawberries and honey reached him, it clung to his throat as though he had just swallowed spoonfuls of it.

Naruto breathed in deeply and-

"Took you long enough to show up," the rich, privileged voice of Draco Malfoy drawled.

Naruto blinked, "Eh?" How? When?

The youngest Malfoy was suddenly in front of him, calmly stuffing sweet pastries into his mouth and chewing with deliberate slowness. There was a table next to him, fruit pastries of all kinds piled high on the rounded top. There was a tiered table that held more sweets and an expensive looking teapot with a stylized M painted on it. Naruto's stomach rumbled, and for a moment, everything else ceased to exist.

Naruto gave a loud battle cry, "EAT!"

With perfect calm, Draco grabbed one of the pastries off the table and threw it. Undeterred, Naruto switched direction mid run and leapt after the treat, catching it with his mouth. Draco took a calm sip of his tea. With his mouth stuffed like a chipmunk's, Naruto sat on the chair that had materialized on the other side of the table.

A dozen more pastries and a cup of sweet tea later, "Soooo, where we now?" Naruto licked his fingertips, it was not ramen but food was food.

Draco looked up with a pause, "You don't know?"

"Uh, no?" What a silly question, Naruto reached for another pastry, this time it was filled with blueberries.

"You don't seem particularly worried about that fact," another plate appeared, it was laden with candied fruits.

"Worrying no help in the solving," Naruto said wisely as he eyed the plate of sweets, "How you do that?"

Draco felt his lips curl just a little, "That you are more interested in food at times like this is almost reassuring,"

"Uhn?" a bit of candy stuck out from the corner of his lips.

"… it must be nice to have a mind like yours," said Draco, "this place is my mind you know," he made a small sweep with his hands to encompass the surroundings, "this is the sun room at the Malfoy manor,"

Naruto looked around the white room, "Why is white?"

"Who know? Great-grandfather Malfoy fancied himself an interior designer of sort, always making changes to the rooms,"

"How you know we in your head?" demanded Naruto.

"Well, I can do this," the plates of food disappeared. 'Hey!' An extra large glass of ice-cream desert sprouted from the middle of the table like a mushroom.

Naruto eyed the treat, then something unholy ignited in the blue eyes.

"Ramen!" the glass of ice-cream did not so much as wobble. "Ramen! Ramen! Ramen!" shiny drops of condensation slide down the frosted glass, but no bowls of noodles appear. He grabbed Draco by the lapel, crumpling the fine material, "Dureko, ramen!"

"No, wai-"

Draco's body warped and changed… into a steaming bowl of ramen.

"Uh," contrary to popular belief, Naruto's brain was not constructed of noodles. Not entirely at any rate. His mind was not completely ruled by thoughts of noodles either, not really. Maybe. Well, he _was_ able to muster some measure of anxiousness when his friend turned into a bowl of noodle and did not, as one might expect, immediately tried to eat it.

Instead, Naruto carefully set the extremely fragrant bowl of boiled noodles down on the table and whispered, "Uh, Dureko?" he poked at one of the toppings, "Dureko? You in?" he looked round the room. It was bright and incredibly fancy looking, with gold worked into the corners of the ceiling. The beautifully lit room did not seemed quite so friendly and cheerful now. Naruto gently shook the bowl of noodles. Hot broth splashed in the bowl, a couple of drops fell on his fingers.

"_Draco come back!_" he yelled in Japanese.

"Stop that will you," a voice said behind him.

Naruto screeched like a girl and leapt over the table and the bowl of noodles. It was Draco, who looked pretty angry. Naruto did not care, Draco was alive.

"Dureko!" he grinned, "you play trick good!"

A fine eyebrow twitched, "That was no trick, I assure you. And please refrain yourself from forcing your will in this realm."

"Neh?"

"Stop changing things," he said slowly, "this is my mindscape, only I am suppose to change things,"

"I no understanding," Naruto pouted.

Draco rolled his eyes skyward. Naruto followed his gaze, wondering what's so interesting about the ceiling.

000000

Finally, after some serious lecture on Draco's part, and some grave head nodding from Naruto, the situation was explained. In part. Sort of. Well, as far as Draco himself could understand the situation.

_Small words, Dandelion Head._ The Mudblood's snooty voice admonished from somewhere over his left shoulder where she liked to hover. Draco snorted. Great, now his subconscious mind sounded like Granger.

_The _logical_ and _analytical_ part of ya actually._

"Hermainonani!" Naruto gasped.

Draco looked up, a little startled and, not that he would ever admit it, a little relieved. Just for a moment. However, there was no bushy haired annoyance around anywhere. He glared at Naruto, had the boy just read his mind?

"No e' didn't, ya dimwit," the half exasperated, half amused voice of Granger sounded closed to his left ear.

Draco whipped his head round and came face to face with-

"Granger?"

It was Granger. At least… it looked like Granger, with white robes, and wings and about three inches tall.

"Greetings," said the creature whose face bore a great resemblance to Granger's buck tooth visage, "I'm yer conscience,"

"…"

"…"

"… lies," Draco said finally.

Winged Granger looked amused, she agreed, "Sharp one ain't ya?"

"And you're not the real Granger," said Draco, "the Mudblood wouldn't be caught dead speaking in such vulgar contractions,"

'Granger' grinned, "The name's Poff,"

"Pouf?"

"Poff! Ye bad li'el peh'ato 'ead!" Poff snapped.

Draco's lips twitched. Somehow he could not bring himself to take this creature seriously. Not when it looked so much like Granger but spoke like an uneducated cur. Now there's an oxymoron, an uneducated Granger.

"Mainonani?" Naruto said questioningly.

"That's not Granger," Draco explained, "not sure what it is though,"

"I'm yer guide, whippersnapper!" Poff growled. It sounded more like a prolonged squeak.

"Why look like Mainonani?"

"Good question," Draco nodded, "So why do you look like that beastly Mudblood, Pouf?"

"Poff! Damn yer eyes," Poff squeaked imperiously. It would probably had been imperious if she had been more than three inches tall, "I manifest me'self da shade of ya most beloved friend,"

"…"

"…"

"… lies," Draco said.

"Or something closest to the image of a beloved friend if ya have none," this time, it was Poff who looked superior.

Draco narrowed his eyes. His lips curled reflexively. It was going to be one of those days, he just knew it.

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**Author's Notes:**

…**. I have no excuse. I don't know what happened! Why Naruto and Draco, WHY? What's this Poff person anyway. I can't…**

**Dear faithful readers, have a look at some of the rejected scenes. I can't even…**

**000000**

_Rejected scene._

Draco screamed as he ran away from a bowl of hot soup. The fat noodles reaching for him like tentacles from one of Zabini's trashy bad comics. He foot slipped on the oily broth, sending him head first into a second bowl of noodles.

Curses! This must be a revenge genjutsu spell from Naruto!

000000

_Rejected scene._

He should have known.

Really he should have.

The scream was the first clue.

Naruto watched as Draco Malfoy filled the air with increasingly hysterical screams as the boy ran away from a legion of small furry squirrels.

**What is wrong with my head?**


End file.
